scruta

Either you are sorting it out, or you are full of it.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Clubby Decadence Runs Into Problems

GOPHER

Hey boss.

BIG BOSS

What whatie?

GOPHER

Umm…

BIG BOSS

It means “what” in hip hop language.

GOPHER

Right rightie.

BIG BOSS

You can’t say that.

GOPHER

Why not?

BIG BOSS

You just can’t. I don’t know. It’s just what whatie.

GOPHER

Ok.

BIG BOSS

So what is it?

GOPHER

Well, we’re having trouble with the toilets.

BIG BOSS

What do you mean?

GOPHER

Well, the distributor said that the order is too small for them to do the gold plating at that price. He wants another 10,000RMB.

BIG BOSS

Pay it.

GOPHER

Okay, but the thing is if we do that then we are going to have to divert some of the funds away from the rest of the bathroom.

BIG BOSS

Well, like what?

GOPHER

Well, I was thinking maybe we could lose the two way mirrors on the doors to the bathroom.

BIG BOSS

No way, that shit is so important.

GOPHER

Well, at this point it’s either that or the sinks.

BIG BOSS

Well, then no sinks in the bathroom.

GOPHER

Well, we already installed the sinks.

BIG BOSS

This is bullshit! Who authorized this and came up in my shit?

GOPHER

You did.

BIG BOSS

Shit. But did you talk to foreign douche putting up the money?

GOPHER

Yeah, the foreign douche says that he won’t give us anymore.

BIG BOSS

Did you explain to him the importance of this for the concept? That this is going to be the tightest bling bling bust a move shake your ass booty boucing spot in all of Shanghai? Look it. The idea is that you can go in there and get a massive gold blumpkin from your shortie. Shit on gold! And then look out and see all the suckers who wish they could be shitting on gold and getting blown at the same time.. You get it man?

GOPHER

What’s a shortie? Like dick or something?

BIG BOSS

Nevermind.

GOPHER

Well, anyway, I just don’t think we have the funds for it. Otherwise we are going to have to loose the fake replica guillotine for chopping open the bub bubbly and spraying it on the dancers.

BIG BOSS

[Sighs.]

Just say bub.

GOPHER

Chill dog.

BIG BOSS

It’s boss.

GOPHER

Boss bossie.

BIG BOSS

Just leave and buy regular doors. I want those gold toilets. Real golden showers, you know?

GOPHER

I know those things are expensive.

BIG BOSS

[Sighs again]

Just go.

posted by ferret at 10:06 pm  

Friday, December 12, 2008

Li and Zhou: A Panda Revisited

LI

Mmh. [Pronoucing slowly.] Sass-see Pan-dee-zuh. Or is it Pan-duh-ez?

ZHOU

A panda?

LI

No, this is no panda.

ZHOU

What?

LI

Sassy Pan-duh-ez. Come look at this.

[ZHOU comes over to LI's desk and looks at a picture of Sassy Pandez.]

ZHOU

Mmh. Sass-see Panda.

LI

Pan-duh-ez.

ZHOU

Whatever. Oh, Miss Panda.

LI

Your lip is quivering.

ZHOU

It is, isn’t it?

LI

Yeah.

ZHOU

Well…

[ZHOU sighs.]

LI

Yeah. Tell them to cut it from the magazine. Inappropriate sexual content, right?

[ZHOU fails to respond.]

LI

Zhou?

ZHOU

Yeah. Cut it. [Walks back to his desk, muttering] Mmh. Sass-see.

LI

Hey, Zhou.

ZHOU

Yeah?

LI

Would ever marry a Western girl? I mean, if you could live your life again?

ZHOU

That’s a strange question, Li.

LI

I know. I just wonder what it would be like. If it would be different.

ZHOU

Of course it would be different. I was close to one once.

LI

What? Like Sassy close?

ZHOU

Mmh.

LI

But how? When you were at school?

ZHOU

At school.

LI

So. Was it different?

ZHOU

Yes, it was different.

LI

How?

ZHOU

[Reflects for a moment, and then begins.]

Like looking across in the distance at an island off shore. It’s the most beautiful island you’ve ever seen. Perfectly lush and green. Pristine beaches. A low mountain cresting out of the jungle, curving seductively across the horizon. You want to go out there and walk on it. And though the waters are harsh to get there, you do. You touch the green trees for yourself; you feel the sand between your feet. And when you’ve had your fill, you feel like there is something that makes you want to leave. You just can’t stay. This can’t be your home. And so you go back. Feeling like it’s better to hold it at a distance.

LI

So that’s what is wrong with Sassy.

ZHOU

What’s that?

LI

She breaks down the distance.

ZHOU

It’s funny you say that. I’d say that she makes the distance farther.

posted by ferret at 4:59 pm  

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

New Words: Dirigible and Odalisque

Dirigible

Odalisque/Odalisk

posted by ferret at 12:16 am  

Powered by WordPress