scruta

Either you are sorting it out, or you are full of it.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Too Many People Named Alex

[Shanghai, night - Ferret is walking down the dark alley that connects his compound to the main road. There's a Figure walking towards him in the shadows. He's dressed nicely in a collared shirt and slacks with a light scarf slung around his neck. Ferret can't make out his face so well, but he's sure he's a foreigner. Suddenly, in the dark light he appears to be Ferret's friend, Alex, a foreigner who recently moved into his alley. He calls to him as they pass each other.]

Ferret

Alex!

[The Figure stops, undoes his earplugs and turns to face Ferret.]

Figure

Yes?

[It's not Alex.]

Ferret

Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you looked like someone I know. Somebody named Alex.

Figure

But my name is Alex.

Ferret

[very embarrassed]

It’s another Alex. Sorry.

[Ferret scuttles away, embarrassed.]

posted by ferret at 11:52 am  

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Ayi’s Hat

[Ayi is cleaning Ferret's house. Ferret is on his way out the door when he notices Ayi's black baseball cap with the words "Hot and Sexy" written on it in pink. He feels he should say something.]

Ferret

这是你的帽子吗?

Is this your hat?

Ayi

对的,我的帽子。

Yeah, it’s my hat.

Ferret

你知道那个英文词是什么意思吗?

Do you know what those English words mean?

Ayi

不知道。什么意思?

No. What do they mean?

Ferret

意思是性感。

The meaning is “sexy”.

Ayi

[not sure what he's trying to say]

什么?性噶?

What “xìnggá”?

Ferret

性感。

Sexy.

Ayi

性感!真的吗?

Sexy! Really?

Ferret

真的。

Really.

Ayi

那我不应该戴啊!

Then I shouldn’t wear it!

Ferret

但是大部分的中国人不知道是什么意思,所以我觉得没有问题。

But most Chinese people don’t know what it means, so I think it’s not a problem.

Ayi

可是我的客户都是外国人啊!

But my clients are all foreigners!

Ferret

恩,我-我不知道。

Well, I- I don’t know.

[Ferret awkwardly makes for the door.]

我走了。

I’m going.

Ayi

好的。谢谢你告诉我啊!性感!啊呀!

Okay. Thanks for telling me! Sexy! Jeez!

posted by ferret at 1:37 am  

Sunday, May 29, 2011

真的假的?For real?

[Ferret is getting his beard trimmed at a local barbershop. It's a quaint affair run by a Husband and Wife team. An Old Woman walks in with a strange request.]

Old Woman

你们是烫头发的,对吧?

You all do perms, right?

Husband

[while maneuvering a buzzer around Ferret's face:]

是,烫头发可以的。

Yeah, we do ‘em.

Old Woman

假发呢?假发是真发的假发,不是假发的假发。

How about wigs? It’s a real-hair wig, not a fake-hair wig.

[The Husband is confused. Ferret is even more confused. Note: The word in Mandarin for "wig" 假发, jiǎfà literally means "fake hair." All well and good unless you're talking about wigs made out of fake hair. "Fake hair fake hair?" It's enough to confuse anyone, including a native speaker.]

Husband

什么假发的假发?

What are you talking about? Wig what?

Old Woman

那个假发是用真头发做的,是上海最有名买假发的店的。质量很好。头发是真的。

The wig uses real-hair. It’s from one of Shanghai’s most famous wig shops. The quality is really good. The hair is real.

Husband

哦,你要烫真头发的假发。真头发的话, 可以的。

Oh, you want to perm a real-hair wig. If the hair’s real, no problem.

[The problem is solved. As to why the Old Woman felt the need to assert the quality and source of said wig is anyone's guess. The Wife walks in.]

Wife

你好。

Hello.

Old Woman

[to the Wife]

我要烫真发的假发。可以了吗?

I wanna perm a real-hair wig. Can I?

Wife

什么意思?

What?

Husband

真头发的假发,真头发的假发。

Real-hair wig, real-hair wig.

Wife

哦,好的。真头发的,没问题。

Oh. Sure. If it’s real, no problem.

Old Woman

好的,我去拿假发吧。

Okay. I’ll go grab the wig.

[The Husband finishes trimming Ferret's beard. Ferret pays and leaves. He ponders the oddities of the Chinese language and one important question: why in the world the Old Woman was so keen on perming her wig?]

posted by ferret at 10:17 pm  

Sunday, April 17, 2011

The Charmer

I had a long day with politics, trying to sigh off a weight off a weight that sat on my chest. I had confided my fears in those closest to me, finding my views more scattered and fragmented than I realized. There was something I seemed incapable of grasping. There was an idea that lingered there at the intersection of all of these issues, but I couldn’t give it shape.

Eventually I fell asleep staring at the ceiling, contemplating the way the paint formed craters. I imagined that I was coasting over them in a microscopic dunebuggy. Before I knew it, I was dreaming.

I walked through a great baazar with men from all over the world, selling, selling: tangerines, pistachios, live stock, rose petals, tobacco, AK-47s, hairbrushes, Christmas lights. Everywhere there was haggling. A two-for-one floated here; a split-the-difference sang there; a let’s-build-a-relationship rose above; a no-no-too-expensive filtered below.

The sight of so much activity overwhelmed me and soon I sat down under a canopy to watch a snake charmer. A large group had formed. The charmer held the pipe and swayed with the deadly creature, letting the great hum emanating from his instrument soothe the entire scene. The hum continued without letting up. Fifteen minutes went by, and still he continued: the snake, the charmer, the crowd, the hum. I figured he had mastered a form of circular breathing. Eventually the snake allowed the snake charmer to pet its nose with the charmer’s nose, nuzzling it just so, as if writing his name on the scaley surface. The crowd watched breathless, but the charmer never ran out of breath himself blowing the whole time. It was as if he had stolen it from us.

When the spectacle was over and donations had been made, the crowd emptied out into the labyrintine market place, but I remained thinking about the spectacle. The snake charmer approached without me noticing and sat down next to me. He said, “What are you thinking about?”

“Oh, sorry. Nothing.”

“Really, you seemed distracted.”

“I’ve been thinking a lot about politics lately.”

“Ah, yes. That.”

“It doesn’t matter. What’s your secret?”

“The secret?” he laughed. He looked in to my eyes for a moment, and then looked around the way one does when one wants impart something to someone, but isn’t sure whether others should hear.

“I’m afraid it’s the same as your politics, my friend.”

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“This taming of snakes. It requires a kind of absolute dedication. You see, I must play my pipe without stopping. If I don’t, the snake will bite me. It’s a steadfastness, a vigilance.”

“But you’ve got to have the antidote. Or at least someone in this great baazar could supply it.”

“For what? This snake and I have an understanding. It is my livelihood. It trusts me because I play to it, but break that playing, break that trust, and it’s over. An antidote is far too expensive for me. And besides, why would I want it? What else would I do anyway? I’m a step away from a beggar as it is. Everyone thinks I’m a madman. Who would feel comfortable in the presence of a snake charmer? Most men are comfortable living a life as far as possible from death.”

“So the two of you will be together forever? Or until one of you dies?”

“I suppose so. Snakes come and go, but I have no doubt one will kill me one day.”

“Really?”

“Of course. My hum will falter one day and the snake will become frightened and bite me. Then I will die, and the crowd will undoubtedly become frightened and scare the snake more. It will probably kill more people then. If things go well, there might be another snake charmer around looking for a snake. But there are fewer and fewer of us these days.”

The charmer’s face began to fade and I felt myself falling, then I woke up.

posted by ferret at 11:59 pm  

Friday, March 4, 2011

Ready to know

[Ferret is having drinks with friends in a super-chic bar, full of Chinese antiques. A woman plays the erhu behind them, weaving her ethereal tunes together with a pumping house beat. Beatnik, Witch, and Ferret are talking.]

Beatnik

Man, I think you’re ready. You’re really ready man.

Ferret

What’s that?

Beatnik

To know about the real shit in China, man. It really all comes down to three things:

天下乌鸦一般黑

天下没有免费午餐

天下没有不散的筵席

Witch

Haha, yeah.

Ferret

Wait. What was that? I got something about a free lunch.

Witch

No, that’s the second one.

Ferret

There’s no such thing as a free lunch.

Witch

Yeah, but the first one is about 乌鸦 (wūyā). A crow, you know?

Ferret

So there are only black crows?

Beatnik

Yeah, like all crows are black, man. Shit is just shit everywhere. Evil people are everywhere. You know, man?

Ferret

I get it. A black crow is a black crow no matter how you look at it.

Witch

Yeah.

Ferret

Yeah, and what’s the last one? Can you write it for me?

Witch

[speaking as she writes the characters in his notebook]

天下没有不散的筵席.

Ferret

[pointing to the end of the phrase written in his book]

Those last two…

Witch

筵席 (yánxí), it’s like a big dinner.

Ferret

Like a feast?

Beatnik

Yeah, man. It’s like – it’s like you can’t just have feast that never ends, man. It’s got to end sometime. Now you know about China, man. That’s what it is: All the crows are black; there’s no such thing as a free lunch-

Ferret

And the feast always comes to an end.

posted by ferret at 5:16 pm  

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Getting over it

[Ferret is sitting in his room, despondent. Depression talks with him.]

Depression

How’re you feeling?

Ferret

Are you serious?

Depression

How’re you feeling?

Ferret

Awful.

Depression

Good.

Ferret

You’re pathetic.

Depression

No, you are. That’s the point, you see?

Ferret

I’m not going to listen to you.

[Ferret stands up, grabs his guitar, and begins to walk out of the room.]

Depression

Do what you want. Fill the air with sounds! Fill up the blank pages of notebooks! You’ll only be surrounded by nothingness in the end… and you know how close to nothingness I am.

Ferret

I’ll take the risk. It’s all better than talking with you about it.

[Ferret gets up and walks out of the room.]

Depression

[shouts at Ferret as he walks away]

You’ll be back! You don’t stay as long as you used to, but you’ll come back. You always do, at least for a little while…

posted by ferret at 12:04 pm  

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Before the procedure

[Fer-mas and Ferret are talking. It's late at night, and he's about to take a shower and get ready for bed.]

Ferret

I just can’t take it.

Fer-mas

Don’t worry about it. Before the operation tomorrow the surgeon and the anesthesiologist are both going to come in and talk to you.

Ferret

That’s what I worry about. They’re going to walk in all confident and unnerve me.

Fer-mas

Look, it’s not that bad -

Ferret

Of course, it’s better than if they weren’t confident at all.

Fer-mas

Haha. Right. I wouldn’t worry about it.

Ferret

[smiles]

Yeah. Nothing to worry about.

posted by ferret at 2:50 pm  

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Picture Chips

[Ferret is ordering food at Subway, engaging in the strange dance that one goes through at such service locations in Shanghai. Do I bark my orders in Chinese or English? Both are acceptable, although there is an assumption as a foreigner that you will be doing the English-bark. Ferret chooses Chinese in all of its perversity, and works his way down the line, performing well enough. Until he gets to the cashier:]

Casher

Hello, twenty-three yuan.

Ferret

我要套餐。

I want the meal.

Cashier

什么?

What?

Ferret

套餐。

The meal.

Cashier

套餐,是吧?

Oh, the meal?

Ferret

是的。

Yes.

[The Cashier slaps a cup for a fountain soda on the counter and begins:]

Cashier

你要什么种类曲奇啊!

What kind of cookies do you want?

Ferret

[pausing as the word for "cookie" comes into his head:]

哦,我不要。我要那个图片。

Oh, I don’t want that. I want the picture.

[Ferret was searching for the word for "potato chips" which is 薯片 (shúpiàn), but thought about the other word for "potato" 土 (tù), but was tonally attracted to the second tone of 薯 (shú), so... 图片 (túpiàn). If this confuses you, reader, don't be alarmed. The Cashier was equally confused as to why Ferret was asking for a picture with his meal.]

Cashier

[realizing what he means]

哦,告诉我你要的,我帮你拿。

Oh, tell me which one you want, and I’ll grab it for you.

Ferret

没关系,我自己拿。

Don’t worry about it, I’ll grab it myself.

[Only later, as he is eating his sandwich outside, does Ferret realize that he asked for a "picture" instead of "potato chips." He sighs. Chinese you are a motherfucker.]

posted by ferret at 2:30 pm  

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Soft Opening

[Ferret is at the opening of a new bar. He's had a few free drinks and he's talking with Northern Polecat.]

Ferret

So have they stopped giving away free booze?

Northern Polecat

I’m not sure yet, but I think they’ve got to cut it off soon.

Ferret

Yeah, the freeloaders are out in force now.

Northern Polecat

Plus they’ve still got to make it to the real opening.

Ferret

Oh? This is the soft opening?

Northern Polecat

Yeah.

Ferret

Well, they’ll start charging soon, and then everyone will get the fuck out.

Northern Polecat

That’s the thing though, isn’t it?

Ferret

What is?

Northern Polecat

When they’ll get the fuck out?

Ferret

You’re right. You know, I wonder: Is it possible that that’s part of the game. I mean, for a real soft opening. Like they just started charging everyone without telling them.

Northern Polecat

What like the mafia or something? Giant guys in suits suddenly materializing and telling everyone that you had to pay for your drinks?

Ferret

Maybe. I think it would be better if it were more like a game. I mean, everyone knew that they’d be charged at some point, and they’d be okay with it if they were. But it would just be this tension. Wait! Even better: Let’s say you had a bar that gave away free drinks only some of the time, like on a giant wheel of fortune or something. That exhilaration of trying to beat the system. At any minute that free drink in your hand could no longer be free. Would people want to drink that way?

Northern Polecat

Maybe.

Ferret

More than maybe.

Northern Polecat

It’s not very relaxing.

Ferret

Neither are flashing lights and loud music with bass so loud causes your heart to palpitate. It’s done. The bar will be called The Gambit. This is a ground floor opportunity. Are you in?

posted by ferret at 12:46 am  

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

A New Word, A French Lesson

ga-vage [guh-vahzh; Fr. ga-vazh] - noun, forced feeding, as by a flexible tube and a force pump.

(Many thanks dictionary.com!)

[Ferret and Wilder are talking as Wilder writes down his phone number in Ferret's book. Ferret suddenly interjects.]

Ferret

Oh, there’s a new word I learned today. I think it’s French.

[Ferret points to the word "gavage" written in his book. Wilder's eyes bulge and he snickers.]

Wilder

Oh yes, that’s French.

Ferret

Yeah.

WIlder

Oh, you know what it means, right?

Ferret

Well, yeah.

[Ferret ponders the meaning of Wilder's smile.]

Ferret

I mean it can be used sexually, right?

Wilder

[incredulous]

What?

Ferret

Well, you know. I thought it could be used sexually as well.

Wilder

Well, not unless you’re doing it with a duck! Or one of those… what’s it called in English? The thing you use to make foie gras?

Ferret

A goose.

Wilder

Yeah. A goose.

Ferret

Oh, I just thought there’d be some dirty saying with it.

Wilder

Look, not everything in French has to do with sex.

Ferret

Haha, okay.

posted by ferret at 11:48 pm  
Next Page »

Powered by WordPress