scruta

[Ferret and Bu-Ran-Don are walking through a lackluster exhibit on bugs at the Shanghai Science and Technology Museum. They watch a video of a beetle being eaten alive by a swarm of ants, and as it becomes more gruesome they walk away. Bu-Ran-Don continues to mill around, but Ferret spaces out by a fake stone column, thinking about the sudden severity of life and death. He is standing very still. A Chinese Girl sees him and meets his gaze. She studies him strangely, and he continues to look back at her, but gets bored and suddenly shifts his gaze. The Chinese Girl jumps back:]

Chinese Girl

哦, 吓死我啦!

Oh, you scared me to death!

[Ferret smiles, and the Chinese Girl walks away. Ferret walks over to Bu-Ran-Don laughing to himself.]

Ferret

Bu-Ran-Don.

Bu-Ran-Don

Yeah?

Ferret

I think a girl just thought I was part of the museum.

Bu-Ran-Don

Haha, awesome. Wait ’till we get to the part about evolution. Then we’ll really be able to mess with people.

[Ferret and Glasseye are outside of Logo talking.]

Ferret

I think it’s weird.

Glasseye

What’s weird?

Ferret

I think it’s weird that in Shanghainese people always speak English to me.

Glasseye

What do you mean?

Ferret

I mean. If you came to America, people wouldn’t go out of their way to try and speak Chinese to you. They’d just say, “You’re in America, so speak English.”

Glasseye

Yeah. No, I understand. But that’s the thing about Chinese people. You know S&M?

Ferret

Yeah.

Glasseye

We’re the M.

Ferret

Haha. Okay.

Glasseye

No, seriously.

Ferret

I believe you, but it’s weird. I don’t see why they think it has to be that way. Chinese isn’t impossible for us foreigners to learn, and I bet you’d be surprised how quickly we’d pick it up if we were forced to learn it.

Glasseye

所以我们在说中文吧 .

So let’s speak Chinese then.

Ferret

[startled a bit, then realizing what was said]

好的, 我们说中文.

Okay, let’s speak Chinese.

[There's an awkward pause. Suddenly nobody has anything to say.]

Glasseye

You’re right though. It’s still weird.

Ferret

Yeah, it is.

[Ferret is tired. He's trying to get dinner with Chipmunk at 五观堂素食. He walks up to the Hostess.]

Ferret

你好.

Hello.

Hostess

你好, 你们几位?

Hello, for how many?

Ferret

两位.

Two.

Hostess

不好意思, 两位没有位子. 你需要等一会儿.

I’m sorry, but we don’t have any tables for two. You’ll have to wait.

Ferret

[beginning to speak an actual sentence in Chinese for the first time all day:]

多少钱?

How much does it cost?

[The Hostess gives him a puzzled look, and Ferret realizes his mistake instantly.]

Ferret

哦! 多少时间?

Oh, how much time will it take?

Hostess

半个小时.

Half an hour.

Ferret

[to Chipmunk]

Do you want to wait?

Chipmunk

Well, I could do whatever. Are you really hungry?

Ferret

Yeah. Let’s try somewhere else.

[As Ferret and Chipmunk walk out, Another Customer waiting in line looks at him in puzzlement and maybe with a hint of disapproval. Ferret knows why. It looks like he just accidentally tried to bribe his way into getting a seat.]

[Ferret is sitting at a take-out burrito joint, enjoying a meal at the small counter for patrons who just can't wait to take their food home. Two Chinese Girls walk in, chattering. They walk up to the Waitress and order.]

Chinese Girl #1

你好。

Hello.

Waitress

你好。

Hello.

Chinese Girl #1

我们要买那个蜂蜜酸奶。是多少钱的呀？

We want to buy the yogurt with honey. How much is it?

Waitress

八块钱一杯。

Eight kuai a cup.

Chinese Girl #1

好啦。两杯。

Okay, two cups.

[The Waitress walks over the the refrigerator and takes out two cups, which she then begins to fill with honey. The Chinese Girls begin to talk quickly, and Ferret loses interest as the conversation exceeds his concentration and understanding. Something about school. He figures they probably go to the music college nearby. Due to hunger and the deliciousness of the burrito, he loses himself eating. He lets out a cough while clearing his throat. The Chinese Girls stop talking and notice him sitting there for the first time. Chinese Girl #1 and Ferret exchange a glance. Ferret returns to eating his burrito.]

Chinese Girl #1

[to Chinese Girl #2]

他很帅。

He’s good looking.

Ferret

你觉得吗？

You think so?

[There is dead silence. The Chinese Girls give Ferret a look as if he's made disparaging remarks about a relative. The Waitress is silent, too. Awkwardness floods the room. Ferret has no idea what to do to alleviate the situation.]

Ferret

不好意思

Excuse me.

Chinese Girl #1

[turning her back to Ferret, towards Chinese Girl #2, whispering:]

他会说。

He can speak [Chinese].

[Ferret, Badger and Weasel are hanging out. Badger takes out an exceptionally long sized snickers bar and begins to open it.]

Ferret

That’s a big snickers bar.

Badger

It’s two of the small ones put together in one package, so…

Ferret

Oh, I see. Yeah, I guess that makes sense because it’s so small.

Badger

You know it has to do with penis size, right?

Ferret

What does?

Badger

A snickers bar.

Ferret

No, it doesn’t.

Badger

Yes, it does.

Ferret

That doesn’t make any sense.

Badger

Of course it does. Every single country has a different sized snickers bar. All of the sizes are based on the penis sizes of people in that country. So like Chinese snickers bars are smaller, while the ones in Africa are bigger.

Ferret

What? Really?

Weasel

He’s fucking with you.

Badger

No, I’m not.

Weasel

How can you believe that? No, listen, he’s just fucking with us.

Ferret

Yeah, I don’t believe you.

Badger

Think about it. When you go to grab it off the shelf, whether you are a guy or a girl the size of a penis is comfortable. You want to grab it. That’s the difference. It’s what makes the sale. There are people who get paid to think about this, and they found that making snickers bars penis sized just works. That’s why I’ve got two small snickers bars together instead of a big one.

Ferret

What? Like two small Chinese penises?

Badger

Exactly.

[Badger and Ferret are walking in silence. Badger suddenly breaks it:]

Badger

Name an animal that you like.

Ferret

What? Why?

Badger

Just do it. It’s a psychology game.

Ferret

Okay. Umm… a penguin.

Badger

Why a penguin?

Ferret

I don’t know. You just said, pick an animal.

Badger

No. You’ve got to have a reason with it, too.

Ferret

Okay. A penguin because it perseveres through long, harsh winters.

Badger

Okay. Pick two more. You need three.

Ferret

Okay. A bear because it’s strong and commanding.

[Badger laughs.]

Ferret

Why are you laughing?

Badger

Nevermind. You’ll see when we’re done. Pick one more.

Ferret

Okay. The last one is a ferret because it’s relatively clever and it can investigate and get into places where most other animals can’t go.

Badger

Heh. Okay.

Ferret

So what does it mean?

Badger

The first animal is supposed to be how you see yourself. The second animal is how others see you. And the third animal is what you actually are.

Ferret

So I see myself as a persevering ball of arctic butter. People think I’m a courageous bear. But I’m actually a clever rodent.

Badger

Precisely.

[Ferret is on his way to a show with Goose to go see a show by a hip-hop has-been. As they walk up to the club, they see Two Drunken Laowai and Two Bums standing face to face making far too much noise. Their rantings become clearer as Ferret and Goose get closer:]

Drunken Laowai #1

Fuck off!

Bum #1

Fa-cof-fa!

Bum #2

Fa-cof-a! Fa-cof-fa!

Drunken Laowai #2

[gesturing rudely away]

No! Fuck off! Don’t you understand? Fuck off!

Drunken Laowai #1

Fuck off!

Bum #1 and Bum #2

[in unison]

Fu-cof-fa!

[The two pairs square off, screaming "Fuck off" back and forth, obtaining a cadence as if the Two Drunken Laowai were teaching the Two Bums a class in English pronunciation. The Two Drunken Laowai become more frustrated, while the Two Bums become more and more exhilarated. Ferret and Goose walk by, chuckling, and commenting soon after:]

Ferret

Those guys just don’t understand.

Goose

What d’you mean?

Ferret

I mean, it doesn’t matter what you say to those bums. They have no shame. It’s all a game to them. You could tell them to “Fuck off” in perfect Chinese, but they’ll still just laugh at you and ask you for money. That’s the point. You have no choice but to pretend that they don’t exist.

Goose

Yeah. Those drunken dudes kind’ve look like idiots.

Ferret

That’s the funniest part. The bums’ revenge so to speak, by getting a rise out of those guys, the whole thing becomes a joke on them. It makes it look like those drunken laowai have no shame, either. Screaming “Fuck Off” over and over on a street corner in the middle of the night.

[Ferret is at LOgO, a somewhat disreputable, but established bar, frequented predominantly by Shanghai's expat hipsters. It's rave night (yes, apparently such things do still exist). Black lights, glow sticks, and loud techno music with 15 minute build-ups abound. Ferret's shaking it on the dance floor with Monkey and some other friends. They are covered with neon face paint, and they take turns grinning at each other so they can show off their green teeth in the black-lights. Ferret has been dancing with his backpack on for a while, and it's starting to become a nuisance.]

Ferret

I think I should take my backpack off.

Monkey

Of course! Why didn’t you do it before?

Ferret

I didn’t want it to be stolen.

Monkey

What’s in it?

Ferret

Books.

Monkey

Nobody wants to steal books, Ferret. Just go.

[Ferret considers this for a moment, then nods his head in assent. He makes his way off the dance floor to drop his backpack by their coats, wondering if he's the only person in the world who considers books worth stealing...]

Schizoforeignic – adj. acting as if afflicted by an acute psychosis due to being a foreigner in a strange land, unsure of where one belongs

[Ferret walks outside of a music bar. He's upset. He just played a set of his original music, and the crowd remained nonplussed. In fact, so much so that you could hear the cute bartender at the back of the room rapping her nails on the bar it was so quiet. They had all expected AC/DC and Guns 'n' Roses, and all they got was quirky indie folk. He sighs. A Beggar working the door of the bar comes up to him begging.]

Beggar

[shoving a cup in Ferret's direction]

The money. Hey, the money. Money-a.

[Ferret ignores him, but the Beggar continues:]

Beggar

好朋友阿! The money! 老朋友!

Hey buddy! The money! Old pal!

Ferret

You know, man, I just don’t get it sometimes. I feel like it’s just crazy being here. Like for the kind of music I play I should be back in America or something. I don’t know why I stay here. I get so lonely, you know?

Beggar

哎? 一块. 朋友, 给我一块吧!

Huh? One kuai. Give me one kuai!

Ferret

It’s like… I don’t know why I came to China sometimes, you know? It doesn’t make any sense to me, but still I stay. It keeps giving me reasons to stay, and I keep taking them because I don’t see any better option. But how long can I keep this up? How long? I’ll never be Chinese, you know?

Beggar

你在去另外的酒吧吗?

Are you going to another bar?

Ferret

我不知道. 我这个酒吧的人不喜欢我.

I don’t know. The people here don’t like me.

Beggar

你会去. 你们外国人喜欢去酒吧, 对吗?

You’ll go. All you foreigners like to go to bars, don’t you?

Ferret

I don’t know, man. I just don’t know.

Beggar

哎, 朋友, 你给我一块钱吗?

Hey, buddy, you’ll give me a kuai, right?

Ferret

Man, do you know what I should do? If I should stay in China or not? This is driving me crazy.

[The Beggar gets tired of dealing with Ferret and waits for another bargoer to come out. Ferret waits for a moment, sighs, walks to the street and hails a cab.]

[Ferret is sitting at a bar, talking shit with Hummingbird. She is at least six drinks in on the night, and as usual, engages in manic, frenetic conversation:]

Hummingbird

Do you know about the 4-2-1 model?

Ferret

The what?

Hummingbird

The 4-2-1 model. It’s an idea about China and shit, man.

Ferret

What is it?

Hummingbird

[gesticulating wildly with her hands as she speaks]

Okay, so you’ve got the Chinese grandparents here, and there’s four of them. And then they can only have one kid each, so there’s two, and they put all their money into them, getting them a good education and nice living standards and stuff. And they’re all Chinese so they save lots, you know? So then these two parents now only have one kid, and they benefit from all this wealth and stuff, you know?

Ferret

So each generation is exponentially richer than the last because all of their resources can only be poured into one kid?

Hummingbird

Yeah, basically. You see, and that’s why there’s a huge market for anything in China. There’s just such a wealth of money here. Especially in Shanghai. You can sell anything you want here. You know?

Ferret

Yeah, I guess so.

***

I wonder about this model for a society in a state where negative population growth results in a sharp rise in per capita incomes. Books like A Farewell to Alms suggest that the Black Death in 14th century Europe was a contributing factor to the advent of the Renaissance.

What? Will the policies of China’s authoritarian regime accomplish what a lethal bacterium did centuries ago? Are we at the beginning of a Chinese Renaissance?