scruta

[Li and Zhou continue to try and indoctrinate Roy.]

Li

So, have we cleared up the issue on our official relationship with America?

Roy

Our friends. But-

Li

But?

Roy

Our friends, who are still rooted in the misguided politics of Western imperialism, who we court so we can gain their secrets and build China into the great world power it once was.

Li

Very good. He’s doing well, Zhou. Don’t you think?

Zhou

Very well. I need to go to the bathroom.

Roy

Did you say bathroom?

Zhou

Yeah. Why?

Roy

Are you familiar with the Siu Feng Corporation’s employment of the newest revolution in water saving technologies for your home bathroom?

Zhou

Umm – Li, what the hell is this?

Li

I have no idea.

Zhou

Is this your idea of a joke?

Li

What? Do you think I fed him info about toilets?

[At the sound of the word “toilets,” Roy begins to transform.]

Li

Oh my god! What’s going on? Zhou, get the engineers!

[Zhou runs out of the office to get the engineers who have been housed next door. He comes back a minute later, heaving and short of breath.]

Zhou

Li! Those damned German sons of bitches! Li! They just laughed at me, and the one who speaks Chinese said something about shit, and that made them laugh even more. I yelled at them. But it didn’t help. Wait! What the hell?

Li

What?

Zhou

He’s turned into a toilet, Li.

Li

I know, Zhou. I know.

Zhou

Wow. Do we talk to it?

Roy

Gentlemen! I’m happy that you’ve shown an interest in learning more about the latest revolution for this year’s World Expo in Shanghai! Better city, better life! Why don’t you sit down and have a try?

Zhou

Well, actually –

Li

Don’t you dare, Zhou. I’m going to call up somebody, and get to the bottom of this. Until then, you can go shit in some other toilet.

Roy

But let me assure you! Those toilets are not as comfortable, nor as good for the environment –

Li

You can turn off now, Roy.

ENDNOTE:

The following is from Roy’s official website (be sure to check it out for the sweet pictures of toilets!) Unfortunately, the website is all in Chinese, and Roy’s English website isn’t functional as of the date of this post. As a result, I’ve translated the following tidbits from which I created this most recent episode of Li and Zhou. I’d also like to hand it to the Siu Feng Company’s PR guys. A robot who sells revolutionary new bathroom ceramics? You guys have got balls.

我国是水资源高度贫乏的国家之一。虽然我国的水资源总量占世界第6位，与加拿大接近。但由于人口众多，人均占水量不到世界平均水平的1/4，居世界第88位，而且仅为加拿大的2.3%。我国现有300多个城市面临缺水危机，饮水困难的人口达7500万。北京更是严重缺水的城市。早在国家大力推行“节能环保”倡导全社会“节约每一滴水”之初；兆峰企业就已经开始了产品的技术研发，展开了一场卫浴领域的“节水革命”，使乐伊成为目前国内唯一一家所有产品均达到节水标准的卫浴品牌。用实实在在的行动充分响应了国家 “构建节约型社会”的号召，体现了一家企业强烈的社会责任感和历史责任感。

Our country [China] is a country beset by great water shortages. Although our country’s total water supply is the world’s sixth largest (about the same as Canada), due our large population the supply of water per capita is not even a quarter of the world’s average, ranked number 88 in the world, and only 2.3% of Canada’s. Our country currently has over 300 cities facing a water shortage crisis, and poor drinking water effects upwards of 75 million people. Beijing is experiencing severe water shortages. Earlier, our country wholeheartedly implemented the “Save Energy, Protect the Environment” Program which caused the entire nation to begin to “save water one drop at a time.” The Siu Feng Corporation has already begun to develop a product technology and opened up the field for a “Water Saving Revolution” in bathroom equipment through the use of the ROY ceramic technology [乐伊], becoming at present the only bathroom ceramics brand to achieve the water saving standards. This concerted effort to answer answered the our nation’s call to “Establish Conservation Society” embodies our company’s intense sense of responsibility to society and history.

“ROY是谁？”

重大解密是的，他是明星，是卫浴界的新星。他是领袖，是卫浴界的国王。他是一个超前卫的流行名词，是将引领卫浴时尚的名词。“城市让生活更美好，乐伊让卫浴更舒适”。

Who is Roy?

It’s a big secret. He is a bright star, the bathroom world’s newest star. He is a leader, the king of the world’s bathrooms. He is the name of overwhelming fashion in hygiene, the name of the newest head turning fad in bathrooms. “City! Let our lives be better!” [“Better city, better life.”] “Roy! Let our bathrooms be comfortable!”