scruta

Either you are sorting it out, or you are full of it.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Slurping Vinegar (吃醋)

I – THE REAL (well, kind of)

[It’s 7 o’clock on a Friday; Ferret and Jack Daniels are trying to get a table at Shanghai’s most popular Mexican restaurant, a spectacular hit of burritos, beans and salsa, maker of the most muchos nachos this side of the Pu River, but all for nothing! The owner, Agavecado has some bad news:]

Agavecado

I’m sorry gentleman, but all the tables are reserved.

Jack Daniels

How long is the wait?

Agavecado

Well, I guess around 9 o’clock. Unless you guys want to eat at the bar.

Ferret

You guys are that popular now, eh? Holy mole!

[There is silence as this most terrible of puns works its way into the pores of the poor listeners. (Sorry.) A girl nearby sniggers slightly on a taco. Ferret tries to extricate himself from the situation:]

Ferret

You know, like mole. Like tacos.

Jack Daniels

Sheesh. [to the owner] I’m not sure about the bar thing, but don’t be sorry, man. You must be happy as hell! You’re business is taking off!

Agavecado

Well, thanks, but to tell you the truth, I don’t like the whole reservation thing; it wasn’t my idea.

Ferret

No matter. Next time we’re here, we’ll just have to get a reservation.

Jack Daniels

You should seriously just buy out the coffee shop next door, or something.

Agavecado

Well, I’ll tell you what. I’ve definitely wish I’d arranged something with the Italian restaurant next door. They never use that downstairs at all. I guess it’s supposed to be a bar for people waiting to eat, but they never use it.

Jack Daniels

Not doing so well, eh?

Agavecado

I guess not. It’s funny we used to be such good friends during the construction of the place. They were building their spot at the same time. Now I just see them from time to time standing outside, glaring at the restaurant.

Ferret

Wow. Even out in the cold and everything.

Agavecado

Yeah. So the bar then?

Jack Daniels

I think we’d prefer to sit, so we’ll go somewhere else.

Ferret

Yeah man. Next time!

Agavecado

Sorry again. You fellas have a good night.

II – THE ABSOLUTELY IMAGINARY

[Sweets and Lifey, owners of the Italian restaurant next to Agavecado‘s sit outside, staring at the busy Mexican restaurant. It’s cold, like cryogenically freezing your privates cold. They don’t seem to mind. They have a bitter look on their faces as they take turns passing and swigging for a bottle of wine.]

Sweets

This wine is terrible.

Lifey

It’s not wine.

Sweets

Well, what the hell else do you drink from a wine bottle?

Lifey

Well, it used to be wine.

Sweets

What do you mean?

Lifey

I couldn’t afford to buy any new wine.

Sweets

So?

Lifey

So the only wine we have left is the stuff I use to make the vinegar.

Sweets

[contemplates the bottle as he takes a swig]

Man, I must really be drunk.

Lifey

Yeah.

Sweets

Burritos.

Lifey

Who knew.

Sweets

I never thought of that kind of stuff as food, just a bad case of gas.

Lifey

Or indigestion.

Sweets

That taco tucking turd. He’s doing so well…

Lifey

Bean bashing bastard.

Sweets

Nacho nibbling nigger.

Lifey

Tequilla toting twat.

Sweet

I like that one.

Lifey

Yeah. We should add it to the list.

[Lifey pulls out a small notebook from his oh-so-Italian, close-cut sports coat, and adds the name to the list. Sweets looks over his shoulder in delight as he writes it. They notice that Agavecado is looking at them from the door of his restaurant. They smile and wave. Agavecado awkwardly returns it, unsure how to handle the maliciousnes behind their smiles. He walks away from the door.]

Sweets

Mole making motherfucker. Lifey give me the wine.

Lifey

You sure you still want it? I mean, it’s basically vinegar.

Sweets

Fine. Whatever. This bastard’s got me drinking vinegar.

posted by ferret at 7:11 pm  

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