Putting Hot Chinese Spyettes to Good Use
[FERRET, WEASEL and BADGER are sitting in a doughnut shop, writing content for a website. BADGER brings up the 2010 World Cup.]
BADGER
Did you hear? North Korea made the World Cup.
WEASEL
Seriously?
BADGER
Yeah. I bet they’re going to set it up so that the US ends up playing them. That’d be an ultimate match-up. Everybody would want to see it.
WEASEL
Yeah. That’d be pretty good.
FERRET
Did China make it?
BADGER
No. No way. How could they?
FERRET
Why is that?
BADGER
Why is what?
FERRET
Why is China so bad at sports like soccer and basketball when the country is so focused on it?
BADGER
They just don’t have enough black people.
FERRET
Seriously? Do you think that’s why it is?
BADGER
Of course, it is!
FERRET
I always thought that black people in America were better at sports because their culture emphasizes sport more than other cultures.
BADGER
Well, what about all the white people in America? There are plenty of white kids whose parents really push them hard to play basketball, but they aren’t as good.
FERRET
I guess. I’m willing to say maybe the entire distribution is shifted in favor of people of African descent a little bit when it comes to those kinds of skills, but overall the difference is marginal.
BADGER
But that’s the difference that matters! Look it, you’re only talking about the farthest outliers of any group of people. The players in the NBA are the best in the world.
FERRET
Okay, but still. Chinese culture traditionally doesn’t emphasize competitive sport as much as Western cultures do…
BADGER
Still, that doesn’t matter! The government pulls these kids out of schools when they are 8 years old to go and train to be athletes. Yao Ming’s parents were both basketball players, and he was raised to be that good. Why in a pool of over 1 billion people can you only produce one player really good enough to make it to the top? They just don’t have the genes.
FERRET
Maybe.
BADGER
That’s probably why they had hos go and bang all the basketball players when they come to get their semen.
[FERRET starts laughing.]
BADGER
Why are you laughing?
FERRET
Are you serious?
BADGER
Of course I’m serious!
FERRET
You think that they have hookers collecting the semen of LeBron James when he comes over here?
BADGER
Of course! Think about it. There’s got to be somebody in the Chinese Sports Bureau somewhere who’s thought of this. About how they can improve the gene pool and make super Chinese basketball babies.
WEASEL
Yeah. Then they give the sperm to female athletes to make super Chinese basketball babies.
FERRET
But they’d still be half black, and that wouldn’t fly with Chinese people.
BADGER
Then they’d breed them to look more Chinese over several generations. Or try to genetically modify DNA in stem cells or something.
FERRET
So you’re saying that some hooker is going to go in and do all of this?
BADGER
Not a hooker. Some Chinese operative. Like a super-spy.
WEASEL
Yeah, a super-hot Chinese spy. She’ll go in there and collect it from a condom.
BADGER
[making a quick flicking motion like he’s removing semen from a condom into a test tube:]
Wha-cha!
FERRET
Are you guys serious?
BADGER
Dead serious.
WEASEL
They’ve got to be doing it now. Chinese superspies bangin’ NBA players to make the Chinese basketball gene pool better.
[There is silence for a moment as the absurd plausibility of it all sinks in, and then the three get back to work.]