scruta

[It's morning. Li is typing at his desk. Zhou arrives, looking very disheveled and somewhat distraught.]

Li

Good morning, Zhou.

Zhou

Good morning.

Li

Did you get the newest previews for Shanghai lately?

Zhou

[glances at his desk]

Yeah, they’re here.

Li

We’ve got to be extra careful. What with the Expo and all…

Zhou

Yeah. We’ve got to be careful.

[They work in silence for a moment, their backs to each other. Li speaks:]

Li

Everything okay?

Zhou

I’m fine. Just fine.

Li

You aren’t still sad about having to give Roy back for the Expo?

Zhou

No. I’m not.

Li

Oh, were you out late for some reason last night?

Zhou

I was up late. I got in a fight with my son.

Li

Oh. I’m sorry. Look, I didn’t mean to pry. It’s really none of my business.

Zhou

No. It’s okay. He was just playing his guitar too much, and we had an argument. I didn’t sleep well because of it.

Li

Oh.

Zhou

The place where he plays his guitar got shut down. For the Expo, I guess. It’s happening all over Shanghai. It’s not surprising it’s happened here, too. Makes sense. We need unity at this time, and they would just get in the way, right?

Li

Right.

[They sit in silence for a moment, fidgeting with their papers, although neither of them is really working. Zhou starts again:]

Zhou

My son was so angry he just kept playing his guitar even when I told him to stop. He was just angry, and I was just angry. We started yelling, and he left the house. I couldn’t sleep until he came back…

Li

How late was he out?

Zhou

It was late. Almost morning.

Li

Oh.

Zhou

The worst part was that I couldn’t stay mad at him.

Li

Well, he’s your son.

Zhou

No, that wasn’t it. It’s because part of me understood.

[Li and Zhou have just gotten off work. They wait for the bus.]

Li

What did you think of all the black and white newspapers yesterday?

Zhou

They were nice. It was appropriate.

Li

Did you watch the fundraiser?

Zhou

Yeah.

Li

What is it?

Zhou

What?

Li

You look strange.

Zhou

No, it’s just you know that they canceled all public entertainment last night, right?

Li

Yeah. So?

Zhou

Well, my son was supposed to play in his rock band last night. And he didn’t get to play.

Li

Well, that’s good, right? You hate the fact he plays music in a band.

Zhou

I do. It’s a waste of time. I mean, if he wants to play at home, that’s okay.

Li

Okay, so what’s the problem?

Zhou

Well, he was playing at home last night.

Li

I don’t understand.

Zhou

I hate it when he plays at home.

Li

But you just said it was okay.

Zhou

It is okay. Just as long as I’m not there.

Li

Oh. Okay.

Zhou

Anyway, I watched the fundraiser, but he kept making a racket.

Li

So, did you tell him to stop?

Zhou

No, I know he likes to do it, and as long as it’s not too loud I don’t bother him. But it got me thinking…

Li

Really?

Zhou

Yeah. I wished he could have gone out to the bar and played his music so I could be left alone with my wife. And I’m sad for the people of Qinghai, but sometimes I think that maybe it’d be better if we could all mourn in our own way. I mean, you know… like they could open up the bars, but still have the fundraiser, etc. But the people who don’t want to do it, don’t have to. It doesn’t mean that they aren’t mourning in some way, does it?

Li

Are we really having this conversation, Zhou?

Zhou

No. No, we’re not.

[Li walks in on Friday morning and sees Zhou reading the newspaper and smoking a cigarette, sitting on top of Roy, who's transformed into a toilet.]

Li

What the hell?

Zhou

I couldn’t wait. This really is nice porcelain.

Roy

Thanks, Zhou.

Li

You shouldn’t have done it, Zhou. Nobody has gotten back to me yet. We could be in a lot of trouble.

Zhou

Li, I think that this is what they wanted us to do all along.

Li

You mean we weren’t supposed to teach this thing Maoist thought? We were only supposed to shit inside of it?! You think that that’s what the Propaganda Committee had us pegged for when they gave us this walking toilet?!

Zhou

Calm down, Li. Don’t be so crass. It’s comfortable, and very good for the environment. We should consider ourselves lucky that we were the ones who got to try this out first.

Li

Anhui! The peasant life! I long for it a lot these days.

Zhou

You won’t when you feel how great this porcelain feels.

Li

Roy?

Roy

Yes, Li?

Li

How do you… you know… clean yourself?

Roy

I go to the bathroom like everyone else, silly!

Li

So. We shit inside of you, then you go and shit in a normal toilet?

Roy

Yes!

Li

Kill me. Just kill me, Zhou.

[Li and Zhou continue to try and indoctrinate Roy.]

Li

So, have we cleared up the issue on our official relationship with America?

Roy

Our friends. But-

Li

But?

Roy

Our friends, who are still rooted in the misguided politics of Western imperialism, who we court so we can gain their secrets and build China into the great world power it once was.

Li

Very good. He’s doing well, Zhou. Don’t you think?

Zhou

Very well. I need to go to the bathroom.

Roy

Did you say bathroom?

Zhou

Yeah. Why?

Roy

Are you familiar with the Siu Feng Corporation’s employment of the newest revolution in water saving technologies for your home bathroom?

Zhou

Umm - Li, what the hell is this?

Li

I have no idea.

Zhou

Is this your idea of a joke?

Li

What? Do you think I fed him info about toilets?

[At the sound of the word "toilets," Roy begins to transform.]

Li

Oh my god! What’s going on? Zhou, get the engineers!

[Zhou runs out of the office to get the engineers who have been housed next door. He comes back a minute later, heaving and short of breath.]

Zhou

Li! Those damned German sons of bitches! Li! They just laughed at me, and the one who speaks Chinese said something about shit, and that made them laugh even more. I yelled at them. But it didn’t help. Wait! What the hell?

Li

What?

Zhou

He’s turned into a toilet, Li.

Li

I know, Zhou. I know.

Zhou

Wow. Do we talk to it?

Roy

Gentlemen! I’m happy that you’ve shown an interest in learning more about the latest revolution for this year’s World Expo in Shanghai! Better city, better life! Why don’t you sit down and have a try?

Zhou

Well, actually -

Li

Don’t you dare, Zhou. I’m going to call up somebody, and get to the bottom of this. Until then, you can go shit in some other toilet.

Roy

But let me assure you! Those toilets are not as comfortable, nor as good for the environment -

Li

You can turn off now, Roy.

ENDNOTE:

The following is from Roy’s official website (be sure to check it out for the sweet pictures of toilets!) Unfortunately, the website is all in Chinese, and Roy’s English website isn’t functional as of the date of this post. As a result, I’ve translated the following tidbits from which I created this most recent episode of Li and Zhou. I’d also like to hand it to the Siu Feng Company’s PR guys. A robot who sells revolutionary new bathroom ceramics? You guys have got balls.

我国是水资源高度贫乏的国家之一。虽然我国的水资源总量占世界第6位，与加拿大接近。但由于人口众多，人均占水量不到世界平均水平的1/4，居世界第88位，而且仅为加拿大的2.3%。我国现有300多个城市面临缺水危机，饮水困难的人口达7500万。北京更是严重缺水的城市。早在国家大力推行“节能环保”倡导全社会“节约每一滴水”之初；兆峰企业就已经开始了产品的技术研发，展开了一场卫浴领域的“节水革命”，使乐伊成为目前国内唯一一家所有产品均达到节水标准的卫浴品牌。用实实在在的行动充分响应了国家 “构建节约型社会”的号召，体现了一家企业强烈的社会责任感和历史责任感。

Our country [China] is a country beset by great water shortages. Although our country’s total water supply is the world’s sixth largest (about the same as Canada), due our large population the supply of water per capita is not even a quarter of the world’s average, ranked number 88 in the world, and only 2.3% of Canada’s. Our country currently has over 300 cities facing a water shortage crisis, and poor drinking water effects upwards of 75 million people. Beijing is experiencing severe water shortages. Earlier, our country wholeheartedly implemented the “Save Energy, Protect the Environment” Program which caused the entire nation to begin to “save water one drop at a time.” The Siu Feng Corporation has already begun to develop a product technology and opened up the field for a “Water Saving Revolution” in bathroom equipment through the use of the ROY ceramic technology [乐伊], becoming at present the only bathroom ceramics brand to achieve the water saving standards. This concerted effort to answer answered the our nation’s call to “Establish Conservation Society” embodies our company’s intense sense of responsibility to society and history.

“ROY是谁？”

重大解密是的，他是明星，是卫浴界的新星。他是领袖，是卫浴界的国王。他是一个超前卫的流行名词，是将引领卫浴时尚的名词。“城市让生活更美好，乐伊让卫浴更舒适”。

Who is Roy?

It’s a big secret. He is a bright star, the bathroom world’s newest star. He is a leader, the king of the world’s bathrooms. He is the name of overwhelming fashion in hygiene, the name of the newest head turning fad in bathrooms. “City! Let our lives be better!” ["Better city, better life."] “Roy! Let our bathrooms be comfortable!”

[Li and Zhou are sitting with Roy, attempting to indoctrinate the robot as best as they can.]

Li

Okay. So now we’re talking about Google.

Roy

Yes. Google, the influential internet search engine made by our good friends in America.

Zhou

America’s not our friend.

Roy

America is not our friend.

Li

No, Roy. America is our friend.

Roy

[Lights flash]

Contradiction! Shall we work on a contingency basis? Or am I to reboot?

Li

Contingency basis, Roy. It’s a contingency, Roy.

Zhou

I don’t understand. America is not our friend. They are our partner.

Li

Look. If someone is your partner, you have to at least act like they are friend, don’t you? Just be quiet, Zhou. Let’s not screw this up like last time when we had to reboot him.

Zhou

Why are you saying that it was my fault?

Li

You were the one who told him flat out that people from Xinjiang both were and were not Chinese, and refused to justify it. He’s a machine. He can’t handle contradictions like that. You’ve got to explain it to him.

Zhou

That’s just the way it is!

Li

No, Zhou. There is historical precedent. It has traditionally been a part of China.

Zhou

It has?

Li

God dammit, Zhou. Weren’t you paying attention?

Zhou

You actually believed all that? I mean, have you seen what people from Xinjiang look like?

Li

You know as well as I do that people from Xinjiang are part of this country, okay?

Zhou

But they’re not Chinese.

Li

Can we just agree that it’s complicated? There are reasons to consider them Chinese.

Roy

Shall we return to the contingency of how the people from Xinjiang both are and are not part of China? How the minority ethnic groups are bound to the Han through a common bond of membership in the Chinese enterprise, going back thousands of years?

Li

No, Roy. Let’s just stick with this: We always say America is our friend -

Zhou

You’re just going to lie to him?

Li

No. I’m trying to explain how the propaganda works to him, Zhou. And what does it matter? He’s a machine! It’s not a lie! It’s just not the truth!

Roy

When do I say America is my friend?

Li

Always, but you do not always act like America is your friend. Do you understand?

Roy

Yes. What one says is different than what one does. I am friendly to our partners in America; they are my friends, so I can obtain the best results from my dealings with them.

Li

Brilliantly said, Roy.

Zhou

That’s very nice.

Li

Might put us out of a job…

Zhou

I wonder.

Li

Now. Google is a foreign guest that entered into an arrangement with the Chinese people.

Roy

They are our friends.

Li

Exactly, Roy. Exactly. But they may break this agreement.

Roy

How could a guest do that to us?

Li

Exactly, Roy. We can now act as we choose.

Roy

So shall I advocate a course of action for our American friends?

Li

No, Roy. We can’t act as we choose. We must wait for the -

Roy

Contradiction! Shall I reboot or shall we arrange for contingencies?

Zhou

Who’s messing up now?

Li

[glares at Zhou, then responds to Roy]

Contingencies, Roy. There are always contingencies…

[Zhou sits in his office at the start of the day, staring at something with his back to the door. Li rushes in late, and addresses Zhou:]

Li

I’m sorry I’m late today, Zhou. My bus broke down and I had to wait for another.

[Zhou doesn't respond.]

Li

Look it. I’m sorry, Zhou. Really. What is it?

[Li looks over at what Zhou is looking at. He sees a humanoid robot over in the corner, surrounded by a team of foreign engineers chattering away in German.]

Li

What is it? What’s going on?

Zhou

Haven’t you seen all those ads at the bus stations?

Li

What? For the robot? Ray?

Zhou

Roy.

Li

Oh, right. Roy.

Zhou

That’s him.

Li

Well, what is he doing here?

Zhou

A bunch of government officials and military guys showed up earlier and said we were supposed to look after him.

Li

Us? Why the hell would we look after it? Him? I guess it is pretty manish.

Zhou

Yeah, no boobs.

Li

But Zhou! We work in propaganda! What do we know about robotics? What if it breaks down?

Zhou

That’s what the Germans are for.

Li

We don’t speak German, Zhou! We can’t even speak English.

Zhou

Don’t worry. They speak Chinese… kind of.

[A GERMAN ENGINEER sees that LI has arrived, comes over and greets him:]

German Engineer

HELLO! Very happy!

Li

[not amused]

Hello.

[The GERMAN ENGINEER smiles foolishly and walks back to dote on the robot.]

Li

I should have stayed in Anhui with the peasants.

Zhou

Don’t say that, Li. This will be fun.

Li

Fun? What are we supposed to do? Teach it Marxist theory?

Zhou

How did you know?

Li

Are you out of your mind?

Zhou

I’m serious! The military and government guys told me that’s what we were supposed to do. Apparently they want the robot to be well cultured in the ways of Communism in order to deal with any potential conflicts during the Expo.

Li

We’re doing propaganda for a robot.

Zhou

Not just any robot, Li. A Chinese, communist robot. The first of many, no doubt.

[ROY walks over to them with the GERMAN ENGINEERS hovering around him like satellites. He begins to speak to LI and ZHOU in robotic Chinese:]

ROY

Hello. Please tell me about the rise of the proletariat, and the defense of our homeland from the capitalist imperialists from the West!

[Li and Zhou are sitting in their office, busy at work, censoring as usual.]

Li

Ao-Ba-Ma.

Zhou

Ao-Ba-Ma.

Li

Ao-Bi-Ba-Ma.

Zhou

Ao-Ba-Ma.

Li

So what do you think of him?

Zhou

Ao-Ba-Ma?

Li

Ao-Ba-Ma.

Zhou

He’s okay, I guess. I liked Bush more. He wanted to make America strong.

Li

Hmm… I still don’t know how people could have voted for him. America is a strange place.

Zhou

But he’s very fierce, and there are many black people in America.

Li

More than half?

Zhou

I don’t know.

Li

It’s not more than half. Lots of white people voted for him, too.

Zhou

America is a strange place. Did you hear about the American in Yunan?

Li

The drug dealer?

Zhou

Ýeah. Apparently he burned down many buildings to save trees.

Li

America is a strange place.

Zhou

Ao-Ba-Ma.

Li

Ao-Ba-Ma.

Zhou

Did you hear about the miners?

Li

Which ones?

Zhou

Good point. Well, the ones that died that they covered-up.

Li

Oh, yeah, but it was bound to happen. Right before the Olympics.

Zhou

They still shouldn’t have done it.

Li

Did the officials have a choice? I suppose they could have spun it off about how China is responsible.

Zhou

Oh, it is responsible!

Li

You’re right. It is.

Zhou

And we’re becoming more like the West all the time. Did you see the one about the homosexuals?

Li

In America?

Zhou

In China! The report said that there’s over 30 million now!

Li

Wow. But only 30 million? I read somewhere that there are that many in America.

Zhou

Well, America is a strange place.

Li

True. Ao-Ba-Ma?

Zhou

Ao-Ba-Ma.

LI

I can’t believe they’ve given us more work.

ZHOU

You should take it as an honor. We’re finally breaking into online censorship. Before it was just print media. This is a step up. We’re part of the Great Firewall now!

LI

I mean, it is an honor, but speaking frankly, it’s just one website.

ZHOU

But this website is huge.

LI

I’ve never heard of it.

ZHOU

Neither have I, but my niece says it’s great. It’s where foreigners go to reveal intimate details about their lives and post obscene pictures of themselves.

LI

And anyone can see them?

ZHOU

Yeah, almost anyone. It depends. They say you can let only your friends see if you want.

LI

Oh.

ZHOU

But it’s weird most people don’t seem to care. See?

[ZHOU shows LI a picture of two girls from a kitty party posing lasciviously around a giant penis cake.]

LI

Oh my god.

ZHOU

I know! Isn’t it great?

LI

And your niece has an account?

[ZHOU is horrified.]

LI

Maybe it’s just cultural. The report says that there’s a Chinese website just like this.

ZHOU

But no penis cake.

LI

No. Probably no penis cake.

ZHOU

Hmm… so is that they only reason that they block this? Are we just smut blockers now?

LI

Maybe.

ZHOU

I don’t feel so honored anymore.

LI

Wait! Take a look at this.

[LI points to a posted link to a critical Economist article about ethnic violence in Xinjiang.]

ZHOU

My god! We’ve hit the jackpot, Li. We’re going political. Like really political.

LI

Yeah, I guess so.

ZHOU

Man those foreigners are sneaky, mixing debauchery with political commentary. Who would have thought?

LI

Alright, let’s dig in. We are the Facebook monitors!

[Two days later.]

LI

Zhou.

[ZHOU is engrossed in his computer, and hears nothing.]

LI

Zhou, what are you doing?

ZHOU

Hold on a second.

[Frustrated, LI walks around to ZHOU’s desk.]

LI

Seriously, what’re doing? Did you finish looking through the proofs from That’s Shanghai? What? Are still on Facebook?

ZHOU

Hold on a second. I’m trying to find out which Three Kingdoms character I am.

LI

What?

ZHOU

And after that I’m going to find out if I’m more like Jet Li or Bruce Lee. Old school or new school, you know?

LI

[scolding]

Zhou, cut this shit out and get back to work. Facebook is taking over your life! You’re becoming a junkie! We’re supposed to be monitoring it; we’re not supposed to be corrupted by it.

ZHOU

Look at this picture of my niece with her dog! Ha ha!

LI

Oh, that’s pretty cute… But seriously! Stop. It’s time to work.

ZHOU

Okay… Hey! I’m Zhang Fei.

LI

Zhou!

ZHOU

What?! Look at yourself. You’re such a hypocrite!

LI

Excuse me?!

ZHOU

I saw you playing on Facebook, too!

LI

[averting his eyes guiltily]

I wasn’t.

ZHOU

Oh really?

[ZHOU logs onto LI’s page.]

ZHOU

Mr. Li, or should I say Mafia Wars number 23 player, Triad_Dawn?

LI

Listen, I have hundreds of henchman at my disposal! We will attack you and take all of your drugs! The prostitution rings all bow before me! Don’t you dare try to start shit with me or you will have a turf war!

ZHOU

Ahem.

LI

I have no idea what you are talking about.

ZHOU

This Facebook is amazing.

LI

I know.

ZHOU

You know what’s strange though?

LI

What?

ZHOU

I haven’t been following the political stuff at all.

LI

Zhou!

ZHOU

But hear me out… almost none of my friends on there have either.

LI

What are you trying to say?

ZHOU

Most people seem to find ways to censor themselves.

LI

Of course, but it’s the ones who don’t that you’ve got to worry about. They’ll get the others going. They always do.

Li

Hey, did you go down there last Thursday?

Zhou

The square?

Li

Yeah.

Zhou

No, did you?

Li

What’s the point?

Zhou

Yeah.

Li

So have you seen it yet?

Zhou

Seen what?

Li

Song of the Mud-Grass Horse.

[There is a strange pause. If we were to put "Mud-Grass Horse" into Mandarin it would be 草泥马, cǎo ní mǎ, which sounds far too much like 操你妈, cào nǐ mā, a classic curse meaning "F*&% your mother."]

Zhou

Excuse me!?!

Li

Song of the Mud-Grass Horse.

Zhou

Oh, song of the Mud-Grass Horse. I thought you were saying…

Li

You thought I was saying, well, you know, what it sounded like. You thought I was saying that, didn’t you?

Zhou

Yes. And no I haven’t heard the song of the… that song.

Li

It’s pretty funny. Some young people made a video of it. Hold on, let me show it to you.

Zhou

[curious, but cautious, looking around strangely as he goes over to Li's desk.]

Okay.

[Li attempts to log on to www.youtube.com, but finds himself thwarted.]

Li

Looks like Youtube is blocked.

Zhou

Why?

Li

I don’t know. Let’s give Censor Wang a call. [Li picks up the phone and dials Censor Wang.] Wang, it’s Print Advertising Censor Li… You know, I handle advertising censoring for Shanghai with Censor Zhou. We met one time last summer… Your wife knows my wife through her cousin’s husband’s brother… Yes! Yes, his surname is Kang… Well, I don’t know how your wife knows my wife’s cousin’s husband’s brother, but… Oh… Oh, really? I didn’t know that. I’m sorry to hear that… No… No, please believe me… No, as far as I know my wife didn’t introduce your wife to her cousin’s husband’s brother… Yes, I’ll be careful, Censor Wang… Really, I’m very sorry Censor Wang… No that’s not why I’m calling… I realize you must be having a bad day…  Well, I had a question about youtube.com… Oh it is?… Why?… Hey, wait a minute! Listen, I know you are having a bad day, but please don’t curse at me… Haha! Oh, right, you mean it’s because of the Mud-Grass Horse?… But it’s still okay for print media to mention it… Oh no?… Oh, you are putting it back up soon?… Oh, okay… I’m sorry to hear that… I am… Okay… Okay… Okay… Okay…

Zhou

Wow. So this must be a pretty kinky video.

Li

Not really it’s just a horse that dances to a song that sounds like… well, you know.

Zhou

Yeah. Well, it’s good that they did that.

Li

Man, I wish I could show it to you.

Zhou

All for the better. We don’t need everyone watching a video where they say that.

Li

Is it all that important?

Zhou

Look, if we didn’t block that video, you’d have little kids everywhere saying that to each other, to their parents, to their grandparents. There’s no way we can allow that to happen.

Li

I’m not so sure. Children are smart. They’ll find out about those words anyway. Why do we have to protect them? Besdies even if they knew those words, they still shouldn’t say them, nor would most of them. You and I know these words, but we don’t say them. Do we?

Zhou

Yes, but we’re grown. Children aren’t.

Li

Yeah, but how old were you when you first heard those words?

Zhou

I was a child. I was walking home from school, and there were two men who got into a fight outside of a snack shop. They were both drunkards, and smelled of beer and piss. They’d been drinking all day. I don’t know what they were fighting about, but I remember them screaming things like that at each other.

Li

And did you know what they meant?

Zhou

Not exactly, but I asked my friends. Someone knew.

Li

And did you go around saying those things to your parents or your grandparents?

Zhou

No.

Li

So what’s the problem?

Zhou

But it’s so readily available now. A kid could look at that video 10 times a day if he wanted. Plus it’s a song! If the melody is nice, he’ll want to sing it to himself, and where will that put us? Karaoke song for the mud-grass horse! It’s abominable!

Li

Hmm…

Zhou

Deep down, you know you agree with me.

Li

Maybe I do. There’s a reason why I’m a censor, and it’s more than just because it’s my rice bowl. But there’s still something I think about.

Zhou

What is it?

Li

I think there’s a proper way to enjoy things like that. It doesn’t harm anyone in itself, but it certainly has the potential to. In addition, if the argument comes down to us trying to influence the development of children, won’t they have to be exposed to those things at some point? Otherwise, the idea of them acting properly or not acting properly has no relevance.

Zhou

So we need to figure out how to expose them to these things properly?

Li

Yeah.

Zhou

But people do that on their own already.

Li

Exactly my point.

[There's an awkward pause.]

Zhou

Be careful, Li. You may soon find yourself out of a rice bowl.