scruta

[Li and Zhou are sitting with Roy, attempting to indoctrinate the robot as best as they can.]

Li

Okay. So now we’re talking about Google.

Roy

Yes. Google, the influential internet search engine made by our good friends in America.

Zhou

America’s not our friend.

Roy

America is not our friend.

Li

No, Roy. America is our friend.

Roy

[Lights flash]

Contradiction! Shall we work on a contingency basis? Or am I to reboot?

Li

Contingency basis, Roy. It’s a contingency, Roy.

Zhou

I don’t understand. America is not our friend. They are our partner.

Li

Look. If someone is your partner, you have to at least act like they are friend, don’t you? Just be quiet, Zhou. Let’s not screw this up like last time when we had to reboot him.

Zhou

Why are you saying that it was my fault?

Li

You were the one who told him flat out that people from Xinjiang both were and were not Chinese, and refused to justify it. He’s a machine. He can’t handle contradictions like that. You’ve got to explain it to him.

Zhou

That’s just the way it is!

Li

No, Zhou. There is historical precedent. It has traditionally been a part of China.

Zhou

It has?

Li

God dammit, Zhou. Weren’t you paying attention?

Zhou

You actually believed all that? I mean, have you seen what people from Xinjiang look like?

Li

You know as well as I do that people from Xinjiang are part of this country, okay?

Zhou

But they’re not Chinese.

Li

Can we just agree that it’s complicated? There are reasons to consider them Chinese.

Roy

Shall we return to the contingency of how the people from Xinjiang both are and are not part of China? How the minority ethnic groups are bound to the Han through a common bond of membership in the Chinese enterprise, going back thousands of years?

Li

No, Roy. Let’s just stick with this: We always say America is our friend –

Zhou

You’re just going to lie to him?

Li

No. I’m trying to explain how the propaganda works to him, Zhou. And what does it matter? He’s a machine! It’s not a lie! It’s just not the truth!

Roy

When do I say America is my friend?

Li

Always, but you do not always act like America is your friend. Do you understand?

Roy

Yes. What one says is different than what one does. I am friendly to our partners in America; they are my friends, so I can obtain the best results from my dealings with them.

Li

Brilliantly said, Roy.

Zhou

That’s very nice.

Li

Might put us out of a job…

Zhou

I wonder.

Li

Now. Google is a foreign guest that entered into an arrangement with the Chinese people.

Roy

They are our friends.

Li

Exactly, Roy. Exactly. But they may break this agreement.

Roy

How could a guest do that to us?

Li

Exactly, Roy. We can now act as we choose.

Roy

So shall I advocate a course of action for our American friends?

Li

No, Roy. We can’t act as we choose. We must wait for the –

Roy

Contradiction! Shall I reboot or shall we arrange for contingencies?

Zhou

Who’s messing up now?

Li

[glares at Zhou, then responds to Roy]

Contingencies, Roy. There are always contingencies…

[Zhou sits in his office at the start of the day, staring at something with his back to the door. Li rushes in late, and addresses Zhou:]

Li

I’m sorry I’m late today, Zhou. My bus broke down and I had to wait for another.

[Zhou doesn’t respond.]

Li

Look it. I’m sorry, Zhou. Really. What is it?

[Li looks over at what Zhou is looking at. He sees a humanoid robot over in the corner, surrounded by a team of foreign engineers chattering away in German.]

Li

What is it? What’s going on?

Zhou

Haven’t you seen all those ads at the bus stations?

Li

What? For the robot? Ray?

Zhou

Roy.

Li

Oh, right. Roy.

Zhou

That’s him.

Li

Well, what is he doing here?

Zhou

A bunch of government officials and military guys showed up earlier and said we were supposed to look after him.

Li

Us? Why the hell would we look after it? Him? I guess it is pretty manish.

Zhou

Yeah, no boobs.

Li

But Zhou! We work in propaganda! What do we know about robotics? What if it breaks down?

Zhou

That’s what the Germans are for.

Li

We don’t speak German, Zhou! We can’t even speak English.

Zhou

Don’t worry. They speak Chinese… kind of.

[A GERMAN ENGINEER sees that LI has arrived, comes over and greets him:]

German Engineer

HELLO! Very happy!

Li

[not amused]

Hello.

[The GERMAN ENGINEER smiles foolishly and walks back to dote on the robot.]

Li

I should have stayed in Anhui with the peasants.

Zhou

Don’t say that, Li. This will be fun.

Li

Fun? What are we supposed to do? Teach it Marxist theory?

Zhou

How did you know?

Li

Are you out of your mind?

Zhou

I’m serious! The military and government guys told me that’s what we were supposed to do. Apparently they want the robot to be well cultured in the ways of Communism in order to deal with any potential conflicts during the Expo.

Li

We’re doing propaganda for a robot.

Zhou

Not just any robot, Li. A Chinese, communist robot. The first of many, no doubt.

[ROY walks over to them with the GERMAN ENGINEERS hovering around him like satellites. He begins to speak to LI and ZHOU in robotic Chinese:]

ROY

Hello. Please tell me about the rise of the proletariat, and the defense of our homeland from the capitalist imperialists from the West!

[Li and Zhou are sitting in their office, busy at work, censoring as usual.]

Li

Ao-Ba-Ma.

Zhou

Ao-Ba-Ma.

Li

Ao-Bi-Ba-Ma.

Zhou

Ao-Ba-Ma.

Li

So what do you think of him?

Zhou

Ao-Ba-Ma?

Li

Ao-Ba-Ma.

Zhou

He’s okay, I guess. I liked Bush more. He wanted to make America strong.

Li

Hmm… I still don’t know how people could have voted for him. America is a strange place.

Zhou

But he’s very fierce, and there are many black people in America.

Li

More than half?

Zhou

I don’t know.

Li

It’s not more than half. Lots of white people voted for him, too.

Zhou

America is a strange place. Did you hear about the American in Yunan?

Li

The drug dealer?

Zhou

Ýeah. Apparently he burned down many buildings to save trees.

Li

America is a strange place.

Zhou

Ao-Ba-Ma.

Li

Ao-Ba-Ma.

Zhou

Did you hear about the miners?

Li

Which ones?

Zhou

Good point. Well, the ones that died that they covered-up.

Li

Oh, yeah, but it was bound to happen. Right before the Olympics.

Zhou

They still shouldn’t have done it.

Li

Did the officials have a choice? I suppose they could have spun it off about how China is responsible.

Zhou

Oh, it is responsible!

Li

You’re right. It is.

Zhou

And we’re becoming more like the West all the time. Did you see the one about the homosexuals?

Li

In America?

Zhou

In China! The report said that there’s over 30 million now!

Li

Wow. But only 30 million? I read somewhere that there are that many in America.

Zhou

Well, America is a strange place.

Li

True. Ao-Ba-Ma?

Zhou

Ao-Ba-Ma.

LI

I can’t believe they’ve given us more work.

ZHOU

You should take it as an honor. We’re finally breaking into online censorship. Before it was just print media. This is a step up. We’re part of the Great Firewall now!

LI

I mean, it is an honor, but speaking frankly, it’s just one website.

ZHOU

But this website is huge.

LI

I’ve never heard of it.

ZHOU

Neither have I, but my niece says it’s great. It’s where foreigners go to reveal intimate details about their lives and post obscene pictures of themselves.

LI

And anyone can see them?

ZHOU

Yeah, almost anyone. It depends. They say you can let only your friends see if you want.

LI

Oh.

ZHOU

But it’s weird most people don’t seem to care. See?

[ZHOU shows LI a picture of two girls from a kitty party posing lasciviously around a giant penis cake.]

LI

Oh my god.

ZHOU

I know! Isn’t it great?

LI

And your niece has an account?

[ZHOU is horrified.]

LI

Maybe it’s just cultural. The report says that there’s a Chinese website just like this.

ZHOU

But no penis cake.

LI

No. Probably no penis cake.

ZHOU

Hmm… so is that they only reason that they block this? Are we just smut blockers now?

LI

Maybe.

ZHOU

I don’t feel so honored anymore.

LI

Wait! Take a look at this.

[LI points to a posted link to a critical Economist article about ethnic violence in Xinjiang.]

ZHOU

My god! We’ve hit the jackpot, Li. We’re going political. Like really political.

LI

Yeah, I guess so.

ZHOU

Man those foreigners are sneaky, mixing debauchery with political commentary. Who would have thought?

LI

Alright, let’s dig in. We are the Facebook monitors!

[Two days later.]

LI

Zhou.

[ZHOU is engrossed in his computer, and hears nothing.]

LI

Zhou, what are you doing?

ZHOU

Hold on a second.

[Frustrated, LI walks around to ZHOU’s desk.]

LI

Seriously, what’re doing? Did you finish looking through the proofs from That’s Shanghai? What? Are still on Facebook?

ZHOU

Hold on a second. I’m trying to find out which Three Kingdoms character I am.

LI

What?

ZHOU

And after that I’m going to find out if I’m more like Jet Li or Bruce Lee. Old school or new school, you know?

LI

[scolding]

Zhou, cut this shit out and get back to work. Facebook is taking over your life! You’re becoming a junkie! We’re supposed to be monitoring it; we’re not supposed to be corrupted by it.

ZHOU

Look at this picture of my niece with her dog! Ha ha!

LI

Oh, that’s pretty cute… But seriously! Stop. It’s time to work.

ZHOU

Okay… Hey! I’m Zhang Fei.

LI

Zhou!

ZHOU

What?! Look at yourself. You’re such a hypocrite!

LI

Excuse me?!

ZHOU

I saw you playing on Facebook, too!

LI

[averting his eyes guiltily]

I wasn’t.

ZHOU

Oh really?

[ZHOU logs onto LI’s page.]

ZHOU

Mr. Li, or should I say Mafia Wars number 23 player, Triad_Dawn?

LI

Listen, I have hundreds of henchman at my disposal! We will attack you and take all of your drugs! The prostitution rings all bow before me! Don’t you dare try to start shit with me or you will have a turf war!

ZHOU

Ahem.

LI

I have no idea what you are talking about.

ZHOU

This Facebook is amazing.

LI

I know.

ZHOU

You know what’s strange though?

LI

What?

ZHOU

I haven’t been following the political stuff at all.

LI

Zhou!

ZHOU

But hear me out… almost none of my friends on there have either.

LI

What are you trying to say?

ZHOU

Most people seem to find ways to censor themselves.

LI

Of course, but it’s the ones who don’t that you’ve got to worry about. They’ll get the others going. They always do.

Li

Hey, did you go down there last Thursday?

Zhou

The square?

Li

Yeah.

Zhou

No, did you?

Li

What’s the point?

Zhou

Yeah.

Li

So have you seen it yet?

Zhou

Seen what?

Li

Song of the Mud-Grass Horse.

[There is a strange pause. If we were to put “Mud-Grass Horse” into Mandarin it would be 草泥马, cÇŽo ní mÇŽ, which sounds far too much like 操你妈, cào nǐ mā, a classic curse meaning “F*&% your mother.”]

Zhou

Excuse me!?!

Li

Song of the Mud-Grass Horse.

Zhou

Oh, song of the Mud-Grass Horse. I thought you were saying…

Li

You thought I was saying, well, you know, what it sounded like. You thought I was saying that, didn’t you?

Zhou

Yes. And no I haven’t heard the song of the… that song.

Li

It’s pretty funny. Some young people made a video of it. Hold on, let me show it to you.

Zhou

[curious, but cautious, looking around strangely as he goes over to Li‘s desk.]

Okay.

[Li attempts to log on to www.youtube.com, but finds himself thwarted.]

Li

Looks like Youtube is blocked.

Zhou

Why?

Li

I don’t know. Let’s give Censor Wang a call. [Li picks up the phone and dials Censor Wang.] Wang, it’s Print Advertising Censor Li… You know, I handle advertising censoring for Shanghai with Censor Zhou. We met one time last summer… Your wife knows my wife through her cousin’s husband’s brother… Yes! Yes, his surname is Kang… Well, I don’t know how your wife knows my wife’s cousin’s husband’s brother, but… Oh… Oh, really? I didn’t know that. I’m sorry to hear that… No… No, please believe me… No, as far as I know my wife didn’t introduce your wife to her cousin’s husband’s brother… Yes, I’ll be careful, Censor Wang… Really, I’m very sorry Censor Wang… No that’s not why I’m calling… I realize you must be having a bad day…  Well, I had a question about youtube.com… Oh it is?… Why?… Hey, wait a minute! Listen, I know you are having a bad day, but please don’t curse at me… Haha! Oh, right, you mean it’s because of the Mud-Grass Horse?… But it’s still okay for print media to mention it… Oh no?… Oh, you are putting it back up soon?… Oh, okay… I’m sorry to hear that… I am… Okay… Okay… Okay… Okay…

Zhou

Wow. So this must be a pretty kinky video.

Li

Not really it’s just a horse that dances to a song that sounds like… well, you know.

Zhou

Yeah. Well, it’s good that they did that.

Li

Man, I wish I could show it to you.

Zhou

All for the better. We don’t need everyone watching a video where they say that.

Li

Is it all that important?

Zhou

Look, if we didn’t block that video, you’d have little kids everywhere saying that to each other, to their parents, to their grandparents. There’s no way we can allow that to happen.

Li

I’m not so sure. Children are smart. They’ll find out about those words anyway. Why do we have to protect them? Besdies even if they knew those words, they still shouldn’t say them, nor would most of them. You and I know these words, but we don’t say them. Do we?

Zhou

Yes, but we’re grown. Children aren’t.

Li

Yeah, but how old were you when you first heard those words?

Zhou

I was a child. I was walking home from school, and there were two men who got into a fight outside of a snack shop. They were both drunkards, and smelled of beer and piss. They’d been drinking all day. I don’t know what they were fighting about, but I remember them screaming things like that at each other.

Li

And did you know what they meant?

Zhou

Not exactly, but I asked my friends. Someone knew.

Li

And did you go around saying those things to your parents or your grandparents?

Zhou

No.

Li

So what’s the problem?

Zhou

But it’s so readily available now. A kid could look at that video 10 times a day if he wanted. Plus it’s a song! If the melody is nice, he’ll want to sing it to himself, and where will that put us? Karaoke song for the mud-grass horse! It’s abominable!

Li

Hmm…

Zhou

Deep down, you know you agree with me.

Li

Maybe I do. There’s a reason why I’m a censor, and it’s more than just because it’s my rice bowl. But there’s still something I think about.

Zhou

What is it?

Li

I think there’s a proper way to enjoy things like that. It doesn’t harm anyone in itself, but it certainly has the potential to. In addition, if the argument comes down to us trying to influence the development of children, won’t they have to be exposed to those things at some point? Otherwise, the idea of them acting properly or not acting properly has no relevance.

Zhou

So we need to figure out how to expose them to these things properly?

Li

Yeah.

Zhou

But people do that on their own already.

Li

Exactly my point.

[There’s an awkward pause.]

Zhou

Be careful, Li. You may soon find yourself out of a rice bowl.

LI

So you remember that one magazine that always gave us trouble?

ZHOU

Which one?

LI

The expat one in Shanghai.

ZHOU

That’s Shanghai?

LI

No. Well, no. I don’t think so.

[LI looks at his monitor searching.]

LI

No. SH Magazine.

ZHOU

SH Magazine?

LI

Yeah, the one where they tried to print Sassy Pandez.

ZHOU

Mmm… Miss Panda. So what?

LI

What do you mean?

ZHOU

I mean, why do you bring it up?

LI

Well, it looks like they are going out of business and they want to print an issue with more problems than I can even begin to tell you.

ZHOU

Well, like what?

LI

Well, for starters, the whole thing is about death.

ZHOU

Death? How can they do that? They don’t even have a magazine license. You can’t sell death. Unless of course you are a funeral home.

LI

I know.

ZHOU

Or a memorial garden.

LI

Right.

ZHOU

Or a preacher.

LI

Um-hm.

ZHOU

Or an urn maker.

LI

Zhou.

ZHOU

Sorry. Well, what do they say?

LI

They have a tour of all of these different tombstones. Some guy rambles about drunken debauchery in a bar. They made an insert of paper foods to burn to dead ancestors at New Year.

ZHOU

That’s despicable! How could they think of doing that and get away with it?? I mean, I understand they are Westerners, and that they want to push boundaries, but this is ridiculous. They know traditions like that are off limits. Bastards…

LI

Yeah, I can tell they were pretty frustrated.

ZHOU

Well, so am I. Tell them that even if they clean it up they can’t print it!

LI

They’d have to rewrite the whole magazine. I don’t think it’s going to happen.

ZHOU

Good!

LI

Hmm.

ZHOU

Hey, Li.

LI

Yeah.

ZHOU

Print me off a copy. I want to read it.

LI

No worries. I’ve already printed out a couple. I think you’ll want to keep a copy of this.

R.I.P. SH Magazine

ZHOU

LI

ZHOU

[It’s morning. ZHOU walks into the office. He is late, and noticeably flustered.]

LI

You’re late. What’s going on?

ZHOU

Did you see the crowd outside?

LI

No. [Looks outside the window.] God! What’s going on out there?

ZHOU

There was an accident. Some girl on her scooter got hit by a truck. She’s pinned by her legs. They don’t know what’s going to happen.

LI

Is she alright?

ZHOU

She’s lost a lot of blood. There’s a doctor there. I heard him say that she’s going to lose her legs.

LI

God.

ZHOU

She’s beautiful too. Her boyfriend is there now. I heard him crying that she was only 19.

LI

What will she do?

ZHOU

I don’t know. [Sighs.] So what’s new today?

LI

Well. [Hesitates.] No—

ZHOU

No? What is it?

LI

[Walks over to his desk, and reads.] “During a routine traffic stop in Chongqing Municipality, police officers discovered a man driving without a license… and his legs. The paraplegic gentleman had rigged a number of hand controls to the clutch, accelerator, and breakpedals to allow him to drive. In a country where cars are becoming more and more prevalent, the number of physically challenged drivers continues to grow. Another legless Chongqing man was stopped recently for driving 153 km/hr. Two legless men in Nanjing and Harbin respectively, were stopped for operating illegal taxis.”

ZHOU

They can’t publish that.

LI

I know. The limitations of the Chinese legal system with regards to the disabled are restricted.

ZHOU

Correct.

LI

I read in the official media that they’re planning to redress the situation.

ZHOU

So did I.

[ZHOU distractedly shuffles through the papers on his desk, and turns on his computer.]

LI

153km/hr! He was certainly going fast.

ZHOU

[Curtly. Sternly.] If you couldn’t walk, wouldn’t you?

LI

Yeah, I guess you’re right.

ZHOU

Excuse me.

LI

It’s alright.

[They work in silence for a moment.]

ZHOU

[Looking at the computer screen, almost to himself.] I keep seeing her ending up like one of those beggars on the street floundering at knee level on a cart with Styrofoam padding on her hands, her teeth rotting, waving a cup at my hand.

LI

You don’t know that.

ZHOU

If her family has no money, what else is there for her?

LI

There will be something. They can help her.

ZHOU

You know, I want to believe that things in China are changing. That people’s lives are getting better.

LI

They are. You know that.

ZHOU

But how fast will they change?

LI

As fast as they can.

ZHOU

Not all things. Sometimes we need to push. Things are changing too fast for them to keep up.

LI

Them?

ZHOU

You know, our employer.

LI

Zhou, do you know what a Scooby Doo is?

ZHOU

I don’t know. Like shit? Like doo-doo?

LI

It looks like it’s some kind of dog.

ZHOU

A dog?

LI

Yeah, a dog. Apparently he goes around with a bunch of teenagers and they solve mysteries. Old men dress up like ghosts and scare people away so they can commit real estate fraud, and then they catch them. It’s a children’s show.

ZHOU

Real estate fraud for children? Strange.

LI

It’s even stranger that many people say that this Scooby Doo likes to smoke marijuana. Gosh, there so many websites on this Scooby Doo and someone called Shaggy.

ZHOU

Shaggy? Is that another dog?

LI

No. It’s a man. This website claims that he is “the most righteous stoner in search of munchies who ever shat on the earth.”

ZHOU

See! Shat on the earth! I told you it was about shit. Scooby Doo.

LI

No, that just means he’s cool.

ZHOU

Shitting on the ground is cool?

LI

I guess. I don’t quite understand it, but I heard that somewhere before.

ZHOU

Okay. So this Shaggy is cool, but what’s that about stoning people? Read it again.

LI

“The most righteous stoner in search of munchies who ever shat on the earth.”

ZHOU

Scooby Doo hangs out with a man who stones people to death and then eats them? Munchies?

LI

I don’t know. I don’t think so. It has something to do with marijuana again.

ZHOU

Why do we care about this Scooby Doo, anyway?

LI

That crazy advertising paper in Shanghai again. [Reads.] It’s right out of a plot from Scooby Doo. Mr Lin, an operator of a fishpond in southwest China worried over the liability of allowing local children to swim in his pond after hearing a neighbor was ordered to pay ¥300,000 in compensation when someone drowned in his reservoir. In order to shy the children away, Mr. Lin began to perpetuate a series of ghost stories by erecting creepy scarecrows and writing “Beware of Ghosts!” on his walls. The scheme has worked, and the children have stopped swimming in his pond.

ZHOU

Ghosts. We don’t do ghosts. Censor it. Plus it makes the farmer look like a man committing insurance fraud and the children like marijuana toaking cannibals.

LI

But he wasn’t committing a crime. He helped protect those children, and maintain order on his property.

ZHOU

Are you saying that China needs ghostmakers?

LI

Maybe a bit. I don’t know. Without the scarecrows and the signs on the wall, the children could drown. Sometimes order requires lies, don’t you think?

ZHOU

True. I mean, that’s sort of our job, right?

LI

Yeah, you and I. The scarecrow men. [A brief pause as they take this in.] It’s funny though.

ZHOU

Eh?

LI

I just don’t know which ones are good lies and which ones are bad.

ZHOU

Well, we try as much as we can. If not, we must accept the Scooby Doo, slobbering along on drugs with that stoning man, looking to upset the order of everything. He reveals the truth to the children.

LI

I worry that sometimes Scooby Doo is right.

ZHOU

The children should drown?

LI

The children should know the truth.