scruta

[Ferret is dreaming. He sits in a classroom filled mostly with young Korean and Japanese students with several Caucasians dotted here and there like dandruff. Ferret’s Teacher calls out the new vocab words from the book, and the Class mechanically responds in a strange unison that seems to trail off, as several students in the Class begin to early or start to late. There is a sudden, earnest knocking on the door, so direct and forceful, you’d think that whoever was knocking had mistaken the flimsy classroom door of particle board for the giant oak gate of a warlord’s stronghold. The Teacher looks at the Class nervously as they titter with laughter, then she cautiously walks towards the door and opens it up.

As the Teacher opens the door, the Beggar knocking on the door is mid-strike, and almost falls over as his momentum carries him beyond where the door was just a second ago. He stumbles past the teacher fist first into the classroom like a lame superhero attempting to miraculously gain his lost powers of flight. The Class now falls into roars of laughter. The Beggar straightens out his ragged ensemble with a misplaced, self-satisfied grin. The Teacher begins her interrogations:]

Teacher

Who are you?

Beggar

[pointing at Ferret]

I’m his landlord.

Ferret

[adamant]

No, you aren’t.

Beggar

I know I look different, but I’ve lost a tooth.

[The Beggar takes a tooth from his pocket while bearing his teeth to reveal a single, prominent gap from the loss of a bicuspid. He places the tooth back into this mouth and instantly changes appearance the way you would see in an old gag movie where a man takes off his hat, or a woman lets down her hair and is suddenly replaced by an entirely different actor. With the return of his tooth, his facial features, the build of his body, and even his tattered garments all change instantaneously. Ferret exclaims:]

Ferret

Holy shit!

Class

[a la Greek chorus, in the same vein as they were repeating characters a moment earlier]

Who is this man who changes his face?

What kind of body grows at this pace?

Can we believe the testament shown?

That from this tooth, this monster has grown?

Ferret

It looks like he has.

Teacher

He needs to leave. He’s disrupting class.

Ferret

Let’s hear him out.

Class

Yes, hear him out! All need a voice!

Hear him well, then make a choice!

Teacher

Go ahead, sir.

Beggar

[looking like the landlord]

I don’t know how this happened. Ever since I lost my tooth, my whole life has changed. My wife won’t let me in the house. I try to show her how it’s just my tooth, but when I show her, she thinks I’m some kind of spirit that has come back to haunt her. A Japanese solider from World War Two or something. I’m suffering badly. Nobody recognizes me. I’m no longer the locksmith who owns your apartment. I’m now just a lowly bottle collector begging on the streets.  Can you help me, Ferret?

Ferret

What do you want?

Beggar

Money to get the tooth fixed!

Teacher

This is a trick! Don’t trust him Ferret!

Beggar

I assure you that it’s not.

Teacher

How much?

Beggar

200RMB.

Teacher

No way. You could get that fixed for 150RMB, tops.

Beggar

[after glaring at the Teacher, turns to Ferret]

Please. I want my life back. I’d give anything to get it back.

Ferret

Even your two front teeth?

Beggar

That’s just cruel. Even as a joke.

Teacher

I agree. It was also a terrible pun.

Class

Wide eyed dreamer, this is no time for puns,

Just stay the course, stick to your guns.

Will you help this man into shape?

Decide now. There is no escape.

Ferret

I beg to differ.

Beggar

What?

[Ferret wakes up.]

[Ferret is walking down Changshu Lu (常熟路). The sidewalk is all ripped up because the city is building a new subway station beneath his feet. As a result, what sidewalk there is left is rather constricted, making eavesdropping especially easy. A group of day laborers walk next to Ferret, their academic suits and sweaters, hallmark of the Chinese ditchdigger, are all caked in dust and grime. A giant tour bus drives by packed full of elderly retirees of European descent, all of them decked out in rather academic looking sweaters as well, although their sweaters are not so threadbare and still gleam with the effects of five-star hotel laundry detergent. A Ditchdigger next to Ferret has a revelation.]

Ditchdigger

老外！老外！小伙子，看吧！他们一定有钱！老外！

Old whities! Old whities! Hey man, look! They’re definitely rich! Old whities!

[Ferret laughs hysterically. The ditchdiggers are rather bewildered that yes, another whitey is in their midst, a witness to this spectacle of geriatric revelation. Ferret turns off of Changshu Lu, and gets real introspective, soliloquy style:]

Ferret

Why did I just laugh? Because I understood what he said while he gawked? Or because it’s amusing to see the stereotype of white foreigners in China reified? Reify. Damn I love that word. Makes me feel like curling up in one of those academic sweaters myself.

But seriously, Ferret, do I really have a right to laugh? That might have been the first time that guy saw so many old whities at one time. I guess damn, you got to say something, right? I can’t say that I’d say much different.

Of course, the truth deep down is this: Half of me was happy that I understood what he said. Half of me was happy because he wasn’t saying it about me.

There was a time when I would sit by your banks,

In awe at the characters, pronouncing “silvered strings.”

You were a riddle, an ambiguous shape-shifting beast

That stretched and burned for the sky.

I thought that living inside you long enough,

I wouldn’t look at myself in the mirror and utter “old” or “foreign.”

The riddle has been solved. How wrong I was.

I – THE REAL (well, kind of)

[It’s 7 o’clock on a Friday; Ferret and Jack Daniels are trying to get a table at Shanghai’s most popular Mexican restaurant, a spectacular hit of burritos, beans and salsa, maker of the most muchos nachos this side of the Pu River, but all for nothing! The owner, Agavecado has some bad news:]

Agavecado

I’m sorry gentleman, but all the tables are reserved.

Jack Daniels

How long is the wait?

Agavecado

Well, I guess around 9 o’clock. Unless you guys want to eat at the bar.

Ferret

You guys are that popular now, eh? Holy mole!

[There is silence as this most terrible of puns works its way into the pores of the poor listeners. (Sorry.) A girl nearby sniggers slightly on a taco. Ferret tries to extricate himself from the situation:]

Ferret

You know, like mole. Like tacos.

Jack Daniels

Sheesh. [to the owner] I’m not sure about the bar thing, but don’t be sorry, man. You must be happy as hell! You’re business is taking off!

Agavecado

Well, thanks, but to tell you the truth, I don’t like the whole reservation thing; it wasn’t my idea.

Ferret

No matter. Next time we’re here, we’ll just have to get a reservation.

Jack Daniels

You should seriously just buy out the coffee shop next door, or something.

Agavecado

Well, I’ll tell you what. I’ve definitely wish I’d arranged something with the Italian restaurant next door. They never use that downstairs at all. I guess it’s supposed to be a bar for people waiting to eat, but they never use it.

Jack Daniels

Not doing so well, eh?

Agavecado

I guess not. It’s funny we used to be such good friends during the construction of the place. They were building their spot at the same time. Now I just see them from time to time standing outside, glaring at the restaurant.

Ferret

Wow. Even out in the cold and everything.

Agavecado

Yeah. So the bar then?

Jack Daniels

I think we’d prefer to sit, so we’ll go somewhere else.

Ferret

Yeah man. Next time!

Agavecado

Sorry again. You fellas have a good night.

II – THE ABSOLUTELY IMAGINARY

[Sweets and Lifey, owners of the Italian restaurant next to Agavecado‘s sit outside, staring at the busy Mexican restaurant. It’s cold, like cryogenically freezing your privates cold. They don’t seem to mind. They have a bitter look on their faces as they take turns passing and swigging for a bottle of wine.]

Sweets

This wine is terrible.

Lifey

It’s not wine.

Sweets

Well, what the hell else do you drink from a wine bottle?

Lifey

Well, it used to be wine.

Sweets

What do you mean?

Lifey

I couldn’t afford to buy any new wine.

Sweets

So?

Lifey

So the only wine we have left is the stuff I use to make the vinegar.

Sweets

[contemplates the bottle as he takes a swig]

Man, I must really be drunk.

Lifey

Yeah.

Sweets

Burritos.

Lifey

Who knew.

Sweets

I never thought of that kind of stuff as food, just a bad case of gas.

Lifey

Or indigestion.

Sweets

That taco tucking turd. He’s doing so well…

Lifey

Bean bashing bastard.

Sweets

Nacho nibbling nigger.

Lifey

Tequilla toting twat.

Sweet

I like that one.

Lifey

Yeah. We should add it to the list.

[Lifey pulls out a small notebook from his oh-so-Italian, close-cut sports coat, and adds the name to the list. Sweets looks over his shoulder in delight as he writes it. They notice that Agavecado is looking at them from the door of his restaurant. They smile and wave. Agavecado awkwardly returns it, unsure how to handle the maliciousnes behind their smiles. He walks away from the door.]

Sweets

Mole making motherfucker. Lifey give me the wine.

Lifey

You sure you still want it? I mean, it’s basically vinegar.

Sweets

Fine. Whatever. This bastard’s got me drinking vinegar.

This middle kingdom, China, roils on

In sizzling squids, all spiced to burn like hell,

In giant sacks of tarp and packing tape,

In dust that never sits, but boils bright

In sun-lit dreams of wealth and power made

In factories and smokey banquet halls

In words that speak without a hint or voice

In popcorn bangs, and fangs of urchin mouths

Unfurled before this wide-eyed wanderer

His eyes too blue, his nose too high to hide:

“The money! money! hello! the money-a!”

[The BOSS and his UNDERLING sit in their office.]

BOSS

Are you on MSN?

UNDERLING

Absolutely not.

[The UNDERLING is on MSN. She receives yet another “Happy 牛 Year!” pun from yet another one of her foreign friends.]

UNDERLING

Oh, dammit.

BOSS

What is it?

UNDERLING

Umm. My computer had a problem.

BOSS

You aren’t on MSN, are you?

UNDERLING

Absolutely not.

BOSS

So when is the giant ox going to arrive out front?

UNDERLING

[typing away vigorously]

What?

BOSS

The giant ox. You know, out front.

UNDERLING

Oh yeah. That’s not going to be here for another two days.

BOSS

Why the delay?

UNDERLING

Well, it seems that we got our order in too late. They were out of gold oxen.

BOSS

I don’t believe it.

UNDERLING

Well, they did have one that looked like it was taking a deuce. It was a special order for a fertilizer company in Qingdao, but they cancelled it. I thought you didn’t want that out front.

BOSS

Good thinking. Okay. But why so long? I mean, can’t they just whip one up overnight? They have a mold or whatever, right?

UNDERLING

You’d think, right? But it turns out that the owner of the bull shop had a fight with his wife.

BOSS

What does that have to do with anything?

UNDERLING

Well, he was having an affair with this girl who wears a lot of purple.

BOSS

Why purple?

UNDERLING

I have no idea. Ask her!

BOSS

Okay, then what?

UNDERLING

His wife dumped purple paint all over the one that was supposed to arrive today. So they tried to repaint it, but the paint kept peeling back to purple. So are going to have to strip the paint and start over again.

BOSS

Couldn’t we buy an old one? One from 12 years ago?

UNDERLING

I called around, but the only one I could find was in front of a slaugherhouse. It would take at least 3 more days to fumagate it.

BOSS

[sighs]

Okay.

[The UNDERLING begins to type away. She laughs.]

BOSS

What’s so funny?

UNDERLING

Umm. Nothing. Oh the year of the ox! Haha!

BOSS

You are on MSN, aren’t you?

UNDERLING

Absolutely not.

[FERRET attempts to buy some bread at Ichido, the Japanese bread/cake shop extraordinaire. As he seeks to pay for his prepackaged half-loaf of bread, the CASHIER begins to put the bread in a paper bag.]

FERRET

我不要袋子。

I don’t want a bag.

CASHIER

好的。

Okay.

[The CASHIER begins to put the bag away, but her ASSOCIATE stops her. Speaks to FERRET.]

ASSOCIATE

你需要用袋子。

You need to use a bag.

FERRET

为什么？

Why?

ASSOCIATE

如果你没有袋子，你看起来可疑的。他们会觉得你偷了面包。

If you don’t have a bag, you look suspicious. They will think that you stole the bread.

FERRET

[叹气] 好的。

[sighs] Okay.

[FERRET pays, takes the bag, and walks away. As he walks, he inspects the bag, and finds himself a little perturbed by the irony of the situation:]

“偶” 不污染地球！

“Ow” Don’t pollute the environment!

Dear 港汇广场,

Since you are one of the premiere shopping destinations in all of Shanghai, I would like to say that I’m concerned, and it’s not because of the price gouging one is bound to receive by going into one of your eyeglass stores, nor is it the questionable quality of some of your restaurants (I’m looking at you fifth floor sushi go-a-round). I’m perfectly willing to accept these pitfalls. They are to be expected in any shopping area.

I’ll cut to the chase. I’m deeply concerned about the status of the doors at the entrances to the building. They are perfectly satisfactory in their construction. They are positioned well enough, and work wonders for preventing drafts. However, why do you persist in keeping only one set of doors open at each entrance?

Locking the rest of the doors not only produces a minor nuisance for anyone entering and exiting the building, having to navigate the simultaneous entry/exit with disgruntled, stroller-ed mothers carting their offspring under heaps of shopping bags, or over-involved couples holding a public menage-a-tois with their Cold Stone buckets of cream-slop, it also presents a serious fire hazard. If there were a need to quickly evacuate the building, the cramming at the exits would result in shattering those fine glass panes in the doors at the very least, or the unfortunate trampling of one of your dear customers at worst. In the interest of safety and the continued prosperity of your business, I am advocating that you open ALL the doors in the future.

Sincerely,

Ferret

[The response:]

Mr. Ferret,

We are happy to hear shopping at 港汇广场 give you such wonderous feeling. It is our pleasure to open doors for you. A good opportunity indeed! If there is need to prevent the fire, then we feel this import. To stop the stampede, we will use our security guard to open door. There will be no trample.

We will speak to Cold Stone management about menage-a-tois cream. This is unacceptable what they do to mothers.

The glasses shop has a special buy! Buy 1 pair give you 1! 10,000RMB only at the least! If you want to eat the fifth floor sushi, please use enclosed coupon to feast vigorously without tariff.

Thank you so much from our patronage!

港汇广场

GOPHER

Hey boss.

BIG BOSS

What whatie?

GOPHER

Umm…

BIG BOSS

It means “what” in hip hop language.

GOPHER

Right rightie.

BIG BOSS

You can’t say that.

GOPHER

Why not?

BIG BOSS

You just can’t. I don’t know. It’s just what whatie.

GOPHER

Ok.

BIG BOSS

So what is it?

GOPHER

Well, we’re having trouble with the toilets.

BIG BOSS

What do you mean?

GOPHER

Well, the distributor said that the order is too small for them to do the gold plating at that price. He wants another 10,000RMB.

BIG BOSS

Pay it.

GOPHER

Okay, but the thing is if we do that then we are going to have to divert some of the funds away from the rest of the bathroom.

BIG BOSS

Well, like what?

GOPHER

Well, I was thinking maybe we could lose the two way mirrors on the doors to the bathroom.

BIG BOSS

No way, that shit is so important.

GOPHER

Well, at this point it’s either that or the sinks.

BIG BOSS

Well, then no sinks in the bathroom.

GOPHER

Well, we already installed the sinks.

BIG BOSS

This is bullshit! Who authorized this and came up in my shit?

GOPHER

You did.

BIG BOSS

Shit. But did you talk to foreign douche putting up the money?

GOPHER

Yeah, the foreign douche says that he won’t give us anymore.

BIG BOSS

Did you explain to him the importance of this for the concept? That this is going to be the tightest bling bling bust a move shake your ass booty boucing spot in all of Shanghai? Look it. The idea is that you can go in there and get a massive gold blumpkin from your shortie. Shit on gold! And then look out and see all the suckers who wish they could be shitting on gold and getting blown at the same time.. You get it man?

GOPHER

What’s a shortie? Like dick or something?

BIG BOSS

Nevermind.

GOPHER

Well, anyway, I just don’t think we have the funds for it. Otherwise we are going to have to loose the fake replica guillotine for chopping open the bub bubbly and spraying it on the dancers.

BIG BOSS

[Sighs.]

Just say bub.

GOPHER

Chill dog.

BIG BOSS

It’s boss.

GOPHER

Boss bossie.

BIG BOSS

Just leave and buy regular doors. I want those gold toilets. Real golden showers, you know?

GOPHER

I know those things are expensive.

BIG BOSS

[Sighs again]

Just go.

An old friend’s pet parrot,

Sid,

This cantankerous, eyeballing, cage-locked, grey-feathered fiend,

Speech mimicker, mood shifter, and small sum reckoner

Amused me most with his eating.

Chuckling at his splatters,

His vainglorious, ruffled attempts at dignity

While lacking opposeable thumbs

And the ability to make handtools (or nuclear weapons),

I watched him fling bits of seed shells,

Regurgitates of fruit skins,

Hawked up hunks of corn

Upon the newspaper thoughtfully laid out before him

To make the cesspool of his excrement and food shavings

Easier for disposal.

He, no doubt, would have termed it ”abstract expressionism”

If you said around him enough.

I, for one, have been cawing the term for many years

And frequently find myself staggering in consumptive filth:

Saliva covered mawings and the stench of sopped up sewers,

Baking on a humid October night in the northern hemisphere.

I realize rather late

My superciliousness was misguided.

Let Sid ruffle his molted mantle in pride.

These opposable thumbs have got to stretch a lot of newsprint.