scruta

[Ferret is at LOgO, a somewhat disreputable, but established bar, frequented predominantly by Shanghai’s expat hipsters. It’s rave night (yes, apparently such things do still exist). Black lights, glow sticks, and loud techno music with 15 minute build-ups abound. Ferret‘s shaking it on the dance floor with Monkey and some other friends. They are covered with neon face paint, and they take turns grinning at each other so they can show off their green teeth in the black-lights. Ferret has been dancing with his backpack on for a while, and it’s starting to become a nuisance.]

Ferret

I think I should take my backpack off.

Monkey

Of course! Why didn’t you do it before?

Ferret

I didn’t want it to be stolen.

Monkey

What’s in it?

Ferret

Books.

Monkey

Nobody wants to steal books, Ferret. Just go.

[Ferret considers this for a moment, then nods his head in assent. He makes his way off the dance floor to drop his backpack by their coats, wondering if he’s the only person in the world who considers books worth stealing…]

Schizoforeignic – adj. acting as if afflicted by an acute psychosis due to being a foreigner in a strange land, unsure of where one belongs

[Ferret walks outside of a music bar. He’s upset. He just played a set of his original music, and the crowd remained nonplussed. In fact, so much so that you could hear the cute bartender at the back of the room rapping her nails on the bar it was so quiet. They had all expected AC/DC and Guns ‘n’ Roses, and all they got was quirky indie folk. He sighs. A Beggar working the door of the bar comes up to him begging.]

Beggar

[shoving a cup in Ferret‘s direction]

The money. Hey, the money. Money-a.

[Ferret ignores him, but the Beggar continues:]

Beggar

好朋友阿! The money! 老朋友!

Hey buddy! The money! Old pal!

Ferret

You know, man, I just don’t get it sometimes. I feel like it’s just crazy being here. Like for the kind of music I play I should be back in America or something. I don’t know why I stay here. I get so lonely, you know?

Beggar

哎? 一块. 朋友, 给我一块吧!

Huh? One kuai. Give me one kuai!

Ferret

It’s like… I don’t know why I came to China sometimes, you know? It doesn’t make any sense to me, but still I stay. It keeps giving me reasons to stay, and I keep taking them because I don’t see any better option. But how long can I keep this up? How long? I’ll never be Chinese, you know?

Beggar

你在去另外的酒吧吗?

Are you going to another bar?

Ferret

我不知道. 我这个酒吧的人不喜欢我.

I don’t know. The people here don’t like me.

Beggar

你会去. 你们外国人喜欢去酒吧, 对吗?

You’ll go. All you foreigners like to go to bars, don’t you?

Ferret

I don’t know, man. I just don’t know.

Beggar

哎, 朋友, 你给我一块钱吗?

Hey, buddy, you’ll give me a kuai, right?

Ferret

Man, do you know what I should do? If I should stay in China or not? This is driving me crazy.

[The Beggar gets tired of dealing with Ferret and waits for another bargoer to come out. Ferret waits for a moment, sighs, walks to the street and hails a cab.]

[Ferret is sitting at a bar, talking shit with Hummingbird. She is at least six drinks in on the night, and as usual, engages in manic, frenetic conversation:]

Hummingbird

Do you know about the 4-2-1 model?

Ferret

The what?

Hummingbird

The 4-2-1 model. It’s an idea about China and shit, man.

Ferret

What is it?

Hummingbird

[gesticulating wildly with her hands as she speaks]

Okay, so you’ve got the Chinese grandparents here, and there’s four of them. And then they can only have one kid each, so there’s two, and they put all their money into them, getting them a good education and nice living standards and stuff. And they’re all Chinese so they save lots, you know? So then these two parents now only have one kid, and they benefit from all this wealth and stuff, you know?

Ferret

So each generation is exponentially richer than the last because all of their resources can only be poured into one kid?

Hummingbird

Yeah, basically. You see, and that’s why there’s a huge market for anything in China. There’s just such a wealth of money here. Especially in Shanghai. You can sell anything you want here. You know?

Ferret

Yeah, I guess so.

***

I wonder about this model for a society in a state where negative population growth results in a sharp rise in per capita incomes. Books like A Farewell to Alms suggest that the Black Death in 14th century Europe was a contributing factor to the advent of the Renaissance.

What? Will the policies of China’s authoritarian regime accomplish what a lethal bacterium did centuries ago? Are we at the beginning of a Chinese Renaissance?

Misinogist – n. a person who hates China

[Ferret is walking home from a bar in the French Concession near the American Consulate. As he walks by the Consulate, he notices that at the entrance there is a white guy flailing his arms around strangely, directly in front of the Guards from the People’s Liberation Army (PLA) on duty near the entrance. Ferret walks up closer to get a better look. He sees that the white guy, a Drunken Misinogist is doing kungfu in front of the very confused PLA guards. There is a Policeman looking at the Drunken Misinogist and talking on his walkie-talkie. The Drunken Misinogist remains unphased. Ferret walks up to a PLA Guard to ask him if he knows what is going on.]

Ferret

[pointing on the Drunken Misinogist]

他在干什么？

What is he doing?

PLA Guard

Good evening, sir. Please don’t be waiting here.

Ferret

好的，可是他在干什么？在这里多少时间？

Okay, but what is he doing? How long has he been here?

PLA Guard

[realizing that Ferret is speaking to him in Chinese:]

哦，我－我真不知道。在这里十分钟左右。

Oh, I- I really don’t know. He’s been here about ten minutes.

[The Drunken Misinogist realizes that Ferret and the PLA Guard are talking about him. The Drunken Misinogist points at Ferret and shouts:]

Drunken Misinogist

Traitor! Traitor! I know you can speak English!

[Ferret looks at the Drunken Misinogist with amusement. The Drunken Misinogist begins to do his strange kungfu in front of the PLA Guards again.]

PLA Guard

对不起，你可不可以帮助我们把他走？

I’m sorry, but can you help us make him go?

Ferret

[really not wanting to get involved]

不好意思，可是他喝醉了。没办法。

Sorry, but he’s drunk. There’s nothing I can do.

[Ferret shrugs, turns around and walks home.]

[It’s the middle of the night. It’s Friday night, but Ferret is trying to get some sleep because he has to get up early the next day. Suddenly, a loud crash outside his window wakes him up. He figures that it was something someone had thrown from their window that hit a car (this happens often at his apartment complex). It’s none of his concern. He tries to go back to sleep.

Several minutes later, just as Ferret begins to doze off, he hears commotion outside and the sound of police on their walkie-talkies. He gets up and looks out of his back balcony to see the body of a man laying underneath a truck, covered in blood and convulsing as it gasps for air. Policemen circle the body, trying to figure out what to do. Ferret isn’t sure he can believe what he is seeing. He goes back inside, gets dressed, and then heads out into the street to get a better look.

When Ferret gets there, he sees the body of The Man folded up under the bottom of the truck. His right leg is pretzeled over the left. There is a pool of blood collecting underneath his head, flowing slowly down the pitched concrete. He sputters every once in a while, gasping for breath. On his way down, he had hit the corner of a truck, ripping off its right side-view mirror. Pieces of it lay scattered around the man’s body. Ferret looks over at the Security Guard who found The Man. He shoots him a look of helpless resignation, perturbed by the events that have taken place. After another minute of looking, Ferret turns around and walks away. As he walks, he sees Two Young Men stick their heads out of the fourth floor of an apartment tower. One of them speaks to the other:]

Young Man

什么发生了？

What’s happened?

Ferret

[overhearing and calling up to them]

一个人自杀了。他跳下来。

A person killed himself. He jumped.

Young Man

男的女的？

Man or woman?

Ferret

男的。

A man.

[Ferret turns to walk inside. He realizes that The Man isn’t quite dead, and that he told the bystanders that he was. But there’s no way he’d make it. There was too much blood. On the way back in Ferret notices a giant duvet crumpled up on the top of a car hood. Was the man trying to take in his hanging laundry and fell? Did he try to kill himself after all? Or had that fallen from somebody else’s laundry? There was no way to know.

Ferret is shook up. He goes inside and calls a friend to tell him what’s happened. He chats online with others. Fifteen minutes later, he hears screaming and wailing outside. He glances out the window to see that The Next of Kin has arrived. The Policemen hold her back from the scene. Soon an ambulance arrives. The Man isn’t breathing anymore.]

[The following dialogue happened online in discussion between Bald Eagle, Ferret, Parrot and Parakeet concerning a the above picture which Parakeet took of them, titled “Plastic Legs”.]

Ferret

Wow. Best picture ever. You’re one kickin’ photographer, Parakeet.

Bald Eagle

Yeah, we all look a bit legless though. I suppose we could pass it off as just being footloose and fancy free.

Ferret

Way to toe the line, Bald Eagle.

Bald Eagle

Sorry, puns are my Achilles’ heel.

Parakeet

This banter is impressive…

Ferret

No worries, Baldie. You’re a tough opponent to de-feet.

Bald Eagle

Parakeet, I think you just put your foot in your mouth there. If you want to take part in this thread you knee-d to be throwing in some puns at every step.

Parrot

Yeah, nothing so pedestrian. Let’s toe-jam.

Bald Eagle

Good to see you are taking this in stride, Parrot.

Ferret

That’s right, Ms Parakeet. You can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?

[There is a long pause.]

Bald Eagle

What? No more? Or is something afoot?

Parrot

I understand Parakeet having cold feet. It’s pretty intimidating going toe to toe with such sure-footed feet fetishists.

Ferret

I guess it’s only fair that we should give her a leg up.

Parrot

Go on ‘Keet. Put your best foot forward. Baby steps.

Parakeet

Thanks for the encouragement, guys. It’s just further proof that you’re my sole mates.

Ferret

I knew you had it in you, Parakeet. Daring to go where most fear to tread.

Parrot

Parakeet, you’re pedicured!

Bald Eagle

Bam! Knee deep in puns and Parakeet manages to step up with something completely æ–° [xÄ«n, “new”]. Nice work!

Ferret

Way to kick it into high gear, Baldie. I got your ä¿¡ [xìn, “message”].

[Time passes.]

Ferret

Okay. I have an errand to run. I hope this doesn’t mean I’ll be booted from the conversa-shin.

Bald Eagle

I think that it’s taken one step beyond anyway. Maybe it’s time we kicked this into touch and, following all these painful puns, took time to heel.

Ferret

I feel you. I feel you.

[A new building is about to open to the public, a giant 50-story monster of an office building soaring towards the sky. The marble for the new plaza in front of the building is being laid, but all the workers have stopped working. They are watching Project Manager Wang is talking heatedly with Procurement Officer Liu.]

Wang

What were you thinking?

Liu

I just thought that the number for the marble you chose was written improperly. I meant no disrespect.

Wang

Are you questioning my judgment?

Liu

Absolutely not. It’s just that the marble that you told me to buy was very slick, and-

Wang

And what?

Liu

And I thought that people might slip on it when it rains.

Wang

You understand nothing! Everyone knows that all plazas in China have to have bands of ultra-slick marble crisscrossing them!

Liu

I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. Please accept my apologies.

Wang

How many projects have you worked on?

Liu

Not nearly as many as you.

Wang

That’s right! So-

[Wang sighs, then starts:]

What would happen if we didn’t have people watching where they were going when it was raining? Making sure they don’t slip?

Liu

I don’t know.

Wang

Chaos, Liu. Chaos. Get that expensive, coarse marble out of here and order a truckload of the slickest marble you can find.

[Ferret sits in a crowded, noisy bar on a Saturday night. There is a live band of mostly percussionists playing a herky-jerky, world music voodoo vibe. The singer chants over and over: “我的身体没有问题。我的精神没有问题。我的健康没有问题。没有问题。My body has no problems. My mind has no problems. My health has no problems. No problems.'” Ferret begins to write in his notebook, taking in the vibe. A Peacock next to him sees him and asks:]

Peacock

What are you writing? A story?

Ferret

It’s all kinds of things. Notes on all kinds of stuff. Poems, ideas, words, names of medicines.

Peacock

Do you write in the circle or out of the circle?

Ferret

Umm…

Peacock

You know? Like write outside the circle?

Ferret

I don’t know what you mean.

Peacock

Like outside of everything that you know, like what people know.

Ferret

Well, writers always try to go outside what is known into negative spaces. That’s the point of–

Peacock

No. I mean, like God took us and gave us only elementary school. We didn’t get anything else man. There’s so much we don’t know. We’re just animals, man. Only animals!

Ferret

Well, that might be true in some sense, but–

Peacock

We’ve got to get to the high school! Or the college! We’re just stick here in this circle man. We can’t get to God. We’ve got to get out of the circle.

Ferret

Well, I think that it’s important to realize that we are more than just–

Peacock

Now you’re just taking it too far, man!

[The song has finished. Peacock gets out of his chair and yells at the singer in the band in Chinese, and asks him to play with him. The singer says he isn’t done yet. Peacock storms off. The band starts up again, and Ferret begins to write:]

The truth is that you talk in circles – this is I suppose the way all insights begin, as a sickness, a thing that builds and feeds on itself. Then – there is the moment that you break out – and you see the circle for what it is in its delinquency. That is the art of overcoming, the defining part of man – the thing that makes him more than an animal and less than a god – these circles that revolve one after the other, on and on, on and on, on and on…

[Ferret is on the bus on his way home from dinner with friends. The bus driver is crazed, catapulting the 20 ton piece of metal through the Central Huaihai Road’s busiest shopping district. At one traffic light, he pounces on the accelerator, lurching the bus forward into action, only to slam on the breaks as an equally crazed bus driver runs the red light. They nearly collide. Everyone on the bus mutters indictments under their breath. Ferret‘s life flashes before his eyes, and he finds it utterly disappointing, yet full of beautiful vistas and extraordinary sights, like a Hollywood film that one remembers for the cinematography and little else. The bus continues at its breakneck speed, and soon he is ready to get off at his stop. He walks to the bus door as the bus is slowing down. The driver slams on the breaks.]

Ferret

[As he grabs hold of something to keep himself from being launched:]

Oh, my God!

Chinese Man Getting Off the Bus

哦！你的发音这么好！

Oh! Your pronunciation is very good.

Ferret

真的吗？

Really?

Chinese Man Who Got Off the Bus

真的。你是哪国家的？美国？英国？

Really. Where are you from? America? England?

Ferret

美国。

America.

Chinese Man Who Got Off the Bus

啊！你的发音比英国BBC主持人的好多！

Oh! Your pronunciation is better than a BBC Newsbroadcaster’s!

Ferret

你觉得吗？

You think so?

Chinese Man Who Got Off the Bus

对呀！啊，你觉得你的发音怎么样？

Yeah! Hey, what you do you think your pronunciation is like?

Ferret

我觉得我的还可以的。这是那个第一次一个人告诉我我的发音那么好。

I think it’s okay. This is the first time anyone ever said that my pronunciation is that good.

Chinese Man Who Got Off the Bus

非常好!

It’s really good.

Ferret

你的普通话说得很好。

You speak Mandarin really well.

Chinese Man Who Got Off the Bus

当然，我是中国人。

Of course, I’m Chinese.

Ferret

可是你不是上海人吗？

But, aren’t you Shanghainese?

Chinese Man Who Got Off the Bus

是的。

Yes.

Ferret

所以普通话不是你的－

So Mandarin isn’t your –

Chinese Man Who Got Off the Bus

[rather dismissively, as they part ways and Ferret walks into a coffee shop on the side of the road

对对对。

Yes, yes, yes.

Ferret

Oh, okay. 再见。

Oh, okay. Goodbye.

Chinese Man Who Got Off the Bus

再见。

Goodbye.

[It’s a busy, busy bar. Loud drum and bass is thumping on the stereo. FERRET is talking with a lovely, young FOX.]

FERRET

So. What do you think about babies?

FOX

I like them. I’d love to have one. I just don’t want to go through the whole production process.

FERRET

Oh, I see.

FOX

What? I mean, it’s something growing inside of you. You wouldn’t want that, would you?

FERRET

No. No I guess not.

FOX

Why? What do you think?

FERRET

About babies or pregnant women?

FOX

Both.

FERRET

They’re okay. Babies are cool I suppose. Pregnant women make me feel a little awkward.

FOX

Exactly. Plus pregnant women have this strange cult about babies and giving birth. I don’t want to be part of that.

FERRET

But if you want one, you’re going to have to go through it.

FOX

Yeah, that’s true. But maybe when I’m ready to go through it I’ll have changed my mind about the whole thing.

FERRET

Probably. I’ve always had this urge to touch pregnant women. Like walk up to them and pat their stomach lightly, just to make sure it’s real.

FOX

Really? But you resist.

FERRET

Of course. I get urges to grab women all the time.

FOX

Oh.

FERRET

Yeah, I mean, I don’t.

FOX

Yeah. You just suppress those urges.

FERRET

Yeah. Unless I have been given access for the grab. Open grab zone.

FOX

Of course. You’re not one of those grabby guys.

FERRET

No. No, I’m not.

[There is a dead silence between them, apparent even beneath the thumping bass and the raging crowd. They sip on their drinks…]