scruta

Misinogist – n. a person who hates China

[Ferret is walking home from a bar in the French Concession near the American Consulate. As he walks by the Consulate, he notices that at the entrance there is a white guy flailing his arms around strangely, directly in front of the Guards from the People's Liberation Army (PLA) on duty near the entrance. Ferret walks up closer to get a better look. He sees that the white guy, a Drunken Misinogist is doing kungfu in front of the very confused PLA guards. There is a Policeman looking at the Drunken Misinogist and talking on his walkie-talkie. The Drunken Misinogist remains unphased. Ferret walks up to a PLA Guard to ask him if he knows what is going on.]

Ferret

[pointing on the Drunken Misinogist]

他在干什么？

What is he doing?

PLA Guard

Good evening, sir. Please don’t be waiting here.

Ferret

好的，可是他在干什么？在这里多少时间？

Okay, but what is he doing? How long has he been here?

PLA Guard

[realizing that Ferret is speaking to him in Chinese:]

哦，我－我真不知道。在这里十分钟左右。

Oh, I- I really don’t know. He’s been here about ten minutes.

[The Drunken Misinogist realizes that Ferret and the PLA Guard are talking about him. The Drunken Misinogist points at Ferret and shouts:]

Drunken Misinogist

Traitor! Traitor! I know you can speak English!

[Ferret looks at the Drunken Misinogist with amusement. The Drunken Misinogist begins to do his strange kungfu in front of the PLA Guards again.]

PLA Guard

对不起，你可不可以帮助我们把他走？

I’m sorry, but can you help us make him go?

Ferret

[really not wanting to get involved]

不好意思，可是他喝醉了。没办法。

Sorry, but he’s drunk. There’s nothing I can do.

[Ferret shrugs, turns around and walks home.]

[It's the middle of the night. It's Friday night, but Ferret is trying to get some sleep because he has to get up early the next day. Suddenly, a loud crash outside his window wakes him up. He figures that it was something someone had thrown from their window that hit a car (this happens often at his apartment complex). It's none of his concern. He tries to go back to sleep.

Several minutes later, just as Ferret begins to doze off, he hears commotion outside and the sound of police on their walkie-talkies. He gets up and looks out of his back balcony to see the body of a man laying underneath a truck, covered in blood and convulsing as it gasps for air. Policemen circle the body, trying to figure out what to do. Ferret isn't sure he can believe what he is seeing. He goes back inside, gets dressed, and then heads out into the street to get a better look.

When Ferret gets there, he sees the body of The Man folded up under the bottom of the truck. His right leg is pretzeled over the left. There is a pool of blood collecting underneath his head, flowing slowly down the pitched concrete. He sputters every once in a while, gasping for breath. On his way down, he had hit the corner of a truck, ripping off its right side-view mirror. Pieces of it lay scattered around the man's body. Ferret looks over at the Security Guard who found The Man. He shoots him a look of helpless resignation, perturbed by the events that have taken place. After another minute of looking, Ferret turns around and walks away. As he walks, he sees Two Young Men stick their heads out of the fourth floor of an apartment tower. One of them speaks to the other:]

Young Man

什么发生了？

What’s happened?

Ferret

[overhearing and calling up to them]

一个人自杀了。他跳下来。

A person killed himself. He jumped.

Young Man

男的女的？

Man or woman?

Ferret

男的。

A man.

[Ferret turns to walk inside. He realizes that The Man isn't quite dead, and that he told the bystanders that he was. But there's no way he'd make it. There was too much blood. On the way back in Ferret notices a giant duvet crumpled up on the top of a car hood. Was the man trying to take in his hanging laundry and fell? Did he try to kill himself after all? Or had that fallen from somebody else's laundry? There was no way to know.

Ferret is shook up. He goes inside and calls a friend to tell him what's happened. He chats online with others. Fifteen minutes later, he hears screaming and wailing outside. He glances out the window to see that The Next of Kin has arrived. The Policemen hold her back from the scene. Soon an ambulance arrives. The Man isn't breathing anymore.]

[The following dialogue happened online in discussion between Bald Eagle, Ferret, Parrot and Parakeet concerning a the above picture which Parakeet took of them, titled "Plastic Legs".]

Ferret

Wow. Best picture ever. You’re one kickin’ photographer, Parakeet.

Bald Eagle

Yeah, we all look a bit legless though. I suppose we could pass it off as just being footloose and fancy free.

Ferret

Way to toe the line, Bald Eagle.

Bald Eagle

Sorry, puns are my Achilles’ heel.

Parakeet

This banter is impressive…

Ferret

No worries, Baldie. You’re a tough opponent to de-feet.

Bald Eagle

Parakeet, I think you just put your foot in your mouth there. If you want to take part in this thread you knee-d to be throwing in some puns at every step.

Parrot

Yeah, nothing so pedestrian. Let’s toe-jam.

Bald Eagle

Good to see you are taking this in stride, Parrot.

Ferret

That’s right, Ms Parakeet. You can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?

[There is a long pause.]

Bald Eagle

What? No more? Or is something afoot?

Parrot

I understand Parakeet having cold feet. It’s pretty intimidating going toe to toe with such sure-footed feet fetishists.

Ferret

I guess it’s only fair that we should give her a leg up.

Parrot

Go on ‘Keet. Put your best foot forward. Baby steps.

Parakeet

Thanks for the encouragement, guys. It’s just further proof that you’re my sole mates.

Ferret

I knew you had it in you, Parakeet. Daring to go where most fear to tread.

Parrot

Parakeet, you’re pedicured!

Bald Eagle

Bam! Knee deep in puns and Parakeet manages to step up with something completely 新 [xīn, "new"]. Nice work!

Ferret

Way to kick it into high gear, Baldie. I got your 信 [xìn, "message"].

[Time passes.]

Ferret

Okay. I have an errand to run. I hope this doesn’t mean I’ll be booted from the conversa-shin.

Bald Eagle

I think that it’s taken one step beyond anyway. Maybe it’s time we kicked this into touch and, following all these painful puns, took time to heel.

Ferret

I feel you. I feel you.

[A new building is about to open to the public, a giant 50-story monster of an office building soaring towards the sky. The marble for the new plaza in front of the building is being laid, but all the workers have stopped working. They are watching Project Manager Wang is talking heatedly with Procurement Officer Liu.]

Wang

What were you thinking?

Liu

I just thought that the number for the marble you chose was written improperly. I meant no disrespect.

Wang

Are you questioning my judgment?

Liu

Absolutely not. It’s just that the marble that you told me to buy was very slick, and-

Wang

And what?

Liu

And I thought that people might slip on it when it rains.

Wang

You understand nothing! Everyone knows that all plazas in China have to have bands of ultra-slick marble crisscrossing them!

Liu

I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. Please accept my apologies.

Wang

How many projects have you worked on?

Liu

Not nearly as many as you.

Wang

That’s right! So-

[Wang sighs, then starts:]

What would happen if we didn’t have people watching where they were going when it was raining? Making sure they don’t slip?

Liu

I don’t know.

Wang

Chaos, Liu. Chaos. Get that expensive, coarse marble out of here and order a truckload of the slickest marble you can find.

[Ferret sits in a crowded, noisy bar on a Saturday night. There is a live band of mostly percussionists playing a herky-jerky, world music voodoo vibe. The singer chants over and over: "我的身体没有问题。我的精神没有问题。我的健康没有问题。没有问题。My body has no problems. My mind has no problems. My health has no problems. No problems.'" Ferret begins to write in his notebook, taking in the vibe. A Peacock next to him sees him and asks:]

Peacock

What are you writing? A story?

Ferret

It’s all kinds of things. Notes on all kinds of stuff. Poems, ideas, words, names of medicines.

Peacock

Do you write in the circle or out of the circle?

Ferret

Umm…

Peacock

You know? Like write outside the circle?

Ferret

I don’t know what you mean.

Peacock

Like outside of everything that you know, like what people know.

Ferret

Well, writers always try to go outside what is known into negative spaces. That’s the point of–

Peacock

No. I mean, like God took us and gave us only elementary school. We didn’t get anything else man. There’s so much we don’t know. We’re just animals, man. Only animals!

Ferret

Well, that might be true in some sense, but–

Peacock

We’ve got to get to the high school! Or the college! We’re just stick here in this circle man. We can’t get to God. We’ve got to get out of the circle.

Ferret

Well, I think that it’s important to realize that we are more than just–

Peacock

Now you’re just taking it too far, man!

[The song has finished. Peacock gets out of his chair and yells at the singer in the band in Chinese, and asks him to play with him. The singer says he isn't done yet. Peacock storms off. The band starts up again, and Ferret begins to write:]

The truth is that you talk in circles – this is I suppose the way all insights begin, as a sickness, a thing that builds and feeds on itself. Then – there is the moment that you break out – and you see the circle for what it is in its delinquency. That is the art of overcoming, the defining part of man – the thing that makes him more than an animal and less than a god – these circles that revolve one after the other, on and on, on and on, on and on…

[Ferret is on the bus on his way home from dinner with friends. The bus driver is crazed, catapulting the 20 ton piece of metal through the Central Huaihai Road's busiest shopping district. At one traffic light, he pounces on the accelerator, lurching the bus forward into action, only to slam on the breaks as an equally crazed bus driver runs the red light. They nearly collide. Everyone on the bus mutters indictments under their breath. Ferret's life flashes before his eyes, and he finds it utterly disappointing, yet full of beautiful vistas and extraordinary sights, like a Hollywood film that one remembers for the cinematography and little else. The bus continues at its breakneck speed, and soon he is ready to get off at his stop. He walks to the bus door as the bus is slowing down. The driver slams on the breaks.]

Ferret

[As he grabs hold of something to keep himself from being launched:]

Oh, my God!

Chinese Man Getting Off the Bus

哦！你的发音这么好！

Oh! Your pronunciation is very good.

Ferret

真的吗？

Really?

Chinese Man Who Got Off the Bus

真的。你是哪国家的？美国？英国？

Really. Where are you from? America? England?

Ferret

美国。

America.

Chinese Man Who Got Off the Bus

啊！你的发音比英国BBC主持人的好多！

Oh! Your pronunciation is better than a BBC Newsbroadcaster’s!

Ferret

你觉得吗？

You think so?

Chinese Man Who Got Off the Bus

对呀！啊，你觉得你的发音怎么样？

Yeah! Hey, what you do you think your pronunciation is like?

Ferret

我觉得我的还可以的。这是那个第一次一个人告诉我我的发音那么好。

I think it’s okay. This is the first time anyone ever said that my pronunciation is that good.

Chinese Man Who Got Off the Bus

非常好!

It’s really good.

Ferret

你的普通话说得很好。

You speak Mandarin really well.

Chinese Man Who Got Off the Bus

当然，我是中国人。

Of course, I’m Chinese.

Ferret

可是你不是上海人吗？

But, aren’t you Shanghainese?

Chinese Man Who Got Off the Bus

是的。

Yes.

Ferret

所以普通话不是你的－

So Mandarin isn’t your -

Chinese Man Who Got Off the Bus

[rather dismissively, as they part ways and Ferret walks into a coffee shop on the side of the road

对对对。

Yes, yes, yes.

Ferret

Oh, okay. 再见。

Oh, okay. Goodbye.

Chinese Man Who Got Off the Bus

再见。

Goodbye.

[It's a busy, busy bar. Loud drum and bass is thumping on the stereo. FERRET is talking with a lovely, young FOX.]

FERRET

So. What do you think about babies?

FOX

I like them. I’d love to have one. I just don’t want to go through the whole production process.

FERRET

Oh, I see.

FOX

What? I mean, it’s something growing inside of you. You wouldn’t want that, would you?

FERRET

No. No I guess not.

FOX

Why? What do you think?

FERRET

About babies or pregnant women?

FOX

Both.

FERRET

They’re okay. Babies are cool I suppose. Pregnant women make me feel a little awkward.

FOX

Exactly. Plus pregnant women have this strange cult about babies and giving birth. I don’t want to be part of that.

FERRET

But if you want one, you’re going to have to go through it.

FOX

Yeah, that’s true. But maybe when I’m ready to go through it I’ll have changed my mind about the whole thing.

FERRET

Probably. I’ve always had this urge to touch pregnant women. Like walk up to them and pat their stomach lightly, just to make sure it’s real.

FOX

Really? But you resist.

FERRET

Of course. I get urges to grab women all the time.

FOX

Oh.

FERRET

Yeah, I mean, I don’t.

FOX

Yeah. You just suppress those urges.

FERRET

Yeah. Unless I have been given access for the grab. Open grab zone.

FOX

Of course. You’re not one of those grabby guys.

FERRET

No. No, I’m not.

[There is a dead silence between them, apparent even beneath the thumping bass and the raging crowd. They sip on their drinks...]

[FERRET and LEAF are getting street kabobs on Shanghai's immortal and immoral Hengshan Lu. Unfortunately, someone from the bar across the street has ordered enough kabob's for the entire bar. So FERRET and LEAF have to wait in the cold. LEAF talks to herself to stay warm:]

LEAF

怎么那么冷啊！他们为什么点了那么多菜啊！

How is it so cold?　Why did they order so much food?

[A MAN walks by and asks the KABOB WOMAN:]

MAN

最近的自动取款机在哪理？

Where is the nearest ATM?

KABOB WOMAN

对面有一个！

There’s one across the street.

MAN

那个取款机关住了。还有呢？

That one is closed. Is there another?

LEAF

[interjecting]

前面在永嘉路有一个银行，可是我不知道有没有24个小时的取款机。前面在衡山路的右边有一个中国银行。你肯定在用那个取款机。

There is another up ahead on Yongjia Lu, but I don’t know if it has a 24 hour ATM. Up ahead on Hengshan Lu on the right there is a Bank of China. You can definitely use that ATM.

MAN

好的。谢谢！

Okay. Thanks.

[The MAN walks off. FERRET teases LEAF:]

FERRET

[in somewhat broken Chinese]

你是导游。

You are a tour guide.

KABOB WOMAN

你的中文说得很好。

You speak Chinese very well.

FERRET

谢谢。

Thanks.

[The KABOB WOMAN pulls closer to LEAF and speaks under her breath, not wanting FERRET to hear.]

KABOB WOMAN

他说的是什么意思？

What was he saying?

LEAF

他说了我是个导游。他给我开玩笑。

He said I’m a tour guide. He was telling a joke.

[FERRET, WEASEL and BADGER are sitting in a doughnut shop, writing content for a website. BADGER brings up the 2010 World Cup.]

BADGER

Did you hear? North Korea made the World Cup.

WEASEL

Seriously?

BADGER

Yeah. I bet they’re going to set it up so that the US ends up playing them. That’d be an ultimate match-up. Everybody would want to see it.

WEASEL

Yeah. That’d be pretty good.

FERRET

Did China make it?

BADGER

No. No way. How could they?

FERRET

Why is that?

BADGER

Why is what?

FERRET

Why is China so bad at sports like soccer and basketball when the country is so focused on it?

BADGER

They just don’t have enough black people.

FERRET

Seriously? Do you think that’s why it is?

BADGER

Of course, it is!

FERRET

I always thought that black people in America were better at sports because their culture emphasizes sport more than other cultures.

BADGER

Well, what about all the white people in America? There are plenty of white kids whose parents really push them hard to play basketball, but they aren’t as good.

FERRET

I guess. I’m willing to say maybe the entire distribution is shifted in favor of people of African descent a little bit when it comes to those kinds of skills, but overall the difference is marginal.

BADGER

But that’s the difference that matters! Look it, you’re only talking about the farthest outliers of any group of people. The players in the NBA are the best in the world.

FERRET

Okay, but still. Chinese culture traditionally doesn’t emphasize competitive sport as much as Western cultures do…

BADGER

Still, that doesn’t matter! The government pulls these kids out of schools when they are 8 years old to go and train to be athletes. Yao Ming’s parents were both basketball players, and he was raised to be that good. Why in a pool of over 1 billion people can you only produce one player really good enough to make it to the top? They just don’t have the genes.

FERRET

Maybe.

BADGER

That’s probably why they had hos go and bang all the basketball players when they come to get their semen.

[FERRET starts laughing.]

BADGER

Why are you laughing?

FERRET

Are you serious?

BADGER

Of course I’m serious!

FERRET

You think that they have hookers collecting the semen of LeBron James when he comes over here?

BADGER

Of course! Think about it. There’s got to be somebody in the Chinese Sports Bureau somewhere who’s thought of this. About how they can improve the gene pool and make super Chinese basketball babies.

WEASEL

Yeah. Then they give the sperm to female athletes to make super Chinese basketball babies.

FERRET

But they’d still be half black, and that wouldn’t fly with Chinese people.

BADGER

Then they’d breed them to look more Chinese over several generations. Or try to genetically modify DNA in stem cells or something.

FERRET

So you’re saying that some hooker is going to go in and do all of this?

BADGER

Not a hooker. Some Chinese operative. Like a super-spy.

WEASEL

Yeah, a super-hot Chinese spy. She’ll go in there and collect it from a condom.

BADGER

[making a quick flicking motion like he's removing semen from a condom into a test tube:]

Wha-cha!

FERRET

Are you guys serious?

BADGER

Dead serious.

WEASEL

They’ve got to be doing it now. Chinese superspies bangin’ NBA players to make the Chinese basketball gene pool better.

[There is silence for a moment as the absurd plausibility of it all sinks in, and then the three get back to work.]

[FERRET and WEASEL are sitting, waiting to get a seat at a small, yet well known hole-in-the-wall restaurant in Shanghai. WEASEL starts gawking through the window at a waitress working in the restaurant next door.]

WEASEL

Man, she’s not bad.

FERRET

Mmm. The one in the red checkered dress thingy?

WEASEL

Yeah. But, damn girl. You’re only workin’ for 1500RMB a month! [1500RMB = approximately $220]

FERRET

What are you talking about?

WEASEL

Look at the sign in the window!

[FERRET and WEASEL begin to inspect a sign placed in the window. It reads:

招聘

服务员（女）

月薪1500元

包吃　包住

有服务经验1600元

Wanted

Waitstaff (Female)

Monthly Salary 1500RMB

Includes room and board

1600RMB if you have experience ]

FERRET

Well, at least she gets free room and board.

WEASEL

Yeah, that’s true. Hmm… and that extra 100RMB for experience.

FERRET

Yeah.

WEASEL

She’s looking at us now.

FERRET

Yeah, a deer in the headlights.

[FERRET imagines they've been having this conversation:]

THE GIRL

那个老外在盯我啊！

Those foreigners are looking at me.

WAITRESS

他们在找女朋友，而且觉得你好性感哦！

They’re looking for girlfriends, and they think you’re damn sexy.

THE GIRL

他们工资多少？

How much money do they make?

WAITRESS

他们是年青的，所以只是一百万。

They’re young, so only a million.

THE GIRL

没有。他们有那么多钱的话，为什么去旁边吃饭？

No way. If they had that much money, why are they going next door to eat?

WAITRESS

旁边餐厅很有名。

The restaurant next door is famous.

THE GIRL

没有这么有名。

Not that famous.

WAITRESS

哈哈，他们在看着招聘。

Haha, they’re looking at the job listing.

[THE WAITRESS notices that THE GIRL isn't listening.]

干吗？

What are you doing?

THE GIRL

他们很有钱，可是他们的脸有寂寞的样子。

They have lots of money, but they’ve got this lonely look on their faces.

[THE GIRL looks at them, fascinated as FERRET and WEASEL discuss the sign, unsure of what to make of them. Suddenly, they are looking at her looking at them. Her co-worker urges her on.]

WAITRESS

交男朋友吧！

Get yourself a boyfriend!

[THE GIRL is confused and doesn't know what to do. A deer in the headlights.]