scruta

[FERRET and LEAF are getting street kabobs on Shanghai’s immortal and immoral Hengshan Lu. Unfortunately, someone from the bar across the street has ordered enough kabob’s for the entire bar. So FERRET and LEAF have to wait in the cold. LEAF talks to herself to stay warm:]

LEAF

怎么那么冷啊！他们为什么点了那么多菜啊！

How is it so cold?　Why did they order so much food?

[A MAN walks by and asks the KABOB WOMAN:]

MAN

最近的自动取款机在哪理？

Where is the nearest ATM?

KABOB WOMAN

对面有一个！

There’s one across the street.

MAN

那个取款机关住了。还有呢？

That one is closed. Is there another?

LEAF

[interjecting]

前面在永嘉路有一个银行，可是我不知道有没有24个小时的取款机。前面在衡山路的右边有一个中国银行。你肯定在用那个取款机。

There is another up ahead on Yongjia Lu, but I don’t know if it has a 24 hour ATM. Up ahead on Hengshan Lu on the right there is a Bank of China. You can definitely use that ATM.

MAN

好的。谢谢！

Okay. Thanks.

[The MAN walks off. FERRET teases LEAF:]

FERRET

[in somewhat broken Chinese]

你是导游。

You are a tour guide.

KABOB WOMAN

你的中文说得很好。

You speak Chinese very well.

FERRET

谢谢。

Thanks.

[The KABOB WOMAN pulls closer to LEAF and speaks under her breath, not wanting FERRET to hear.]

KABOB WOMAN

他说的是什么意思？

What was he saying?

LEAF

他说了我是个导游。他给我开玩笑。

He said I’m a tour guide. He was telling a joke.

[FERRET, WEASEL and BADGER are sitting in a doughnut shop, writing content for a website. BADGER brings up the 2010 World Cup.]

BADGER

Did you hear? North Korea made the World Cup.

WEASEL

Seriously?

BADGER

Yeah. I bet they’re going to set it up so that the US ends up playing them. That’d be an ultimate match-up. Everybody would want to see it.

WEASEL

Yeah. That’d be pretty good.

FERRET

Did China make it?

BADGER

No. No way. How could they?

FERRET

Why is that?

BADGER

Why is what?

FERRET

Why is China so bad at sports like soccer and basketball when the country is so focused on it?

BADGER

They just don’t have enough black people.

FERRET

Seriously? Do you think that’s why it is?

BADGER

Of course, it is!

FERRET

I always thought that black people in America were better at sports because their culture emphasizes sport more than other cultures.

BADGER

Well, what about all the white people in America? There are plenty of white kids whose parents really push them hard to play basketball, but they aren’t as good.

FERRET

I guess. I’m willing to say maybe the entire distribution is shifted in favor of people of African descent a little bit when it comes to those kinds of skills, but overall the difference is marginal.

BADGER

But that’s the difference that matters! Look it, you’re only talking about the farthest outliers of any group of people. The players in the NBA are the best in the world.

FERRET

Okay, but still. Chinese culture traditionally doesn’t emphasize competitive sport as much as Western cultures do…

BADGER

Still, that doesn’t matter! The government pulls these kids out of schools when they are 8 years old to go and train to be athletes. Yao Ming’s parents were both basketball players, and he was raised to be that good. Why in a pool of over 1 billion people can you only produce one player really good enough to make it to the top? They just don’t have the genes.

FERRET

Maybe.

BADGER

That’s probably why they had hos go and bang all the basketball players when they come to get their semen.

[FERRET starts laughing.]

BADGER

Why are you laughing?

FERRET

Are you serious?

BADGER

Of course I’m serious!

FERRET

You think that they have hookers collecting the semen of LeBron James when he comes over here?

BADGER

Of course! Think about it. There’s got to be somebody in the Chinese Sports Bureau somewhere who’s thought of this. About how they can improve the gene pool and make super Chinese basketball babies.

WEASEL

Yeah. Then they give the sperm to female athletes to make super Chinese basketball babies.

FERRET

But they’d still be half black, and that wouldn’t fly with Chinese people.

BADGER

Then they’d breed them to look more Chinese over several generations. Or try to genetically modify DNA in stem cells or something.

FERRET

So you’re saying that some hooker is going to go in and do all of this?

BADGER

Not a hooker. Some Chinese operative. Like a super-spy.

WEASEL

Yeah, a super-hot Chinese spy. She’ll go in there and collect it from a condom.

BADGER

[making a quick flicking motion like he’s removing semen from a condom into a test tube:]

Wha-cha!

FERRET

Are you guys serious?

BADGER

Dead serious.

WEASEL

They’ve got to be doing it now. Chinese superspies bangin’ NBA players to make the Chinese basketball gene pool better.

[There is silence for a moment as the absurd plausibility of it all sinks in, and then the three get back to work.]

[FERRET and WEASEL are sitting, waiting to get a seat at a small, yet well known hole-in-the-wall restaurant in Shanghai. WEASEL starts gawking through the window at a waitress working in the restaurant next door.]

WEASEL

Man, she’s not bad.

FERRET

Mmm. The one in the red checkered dress thingy?

WEASEL

Yeah. But, damn girl. You’re only workin’ for 1500RMB a month! [1500RMB = approximately $220]

FERRET

What are you talking about?

WEASEL

Look at the sign in the window!

[FERRET and WEASEL begin to inspect a sign placed in the window. It reads:

招聘

服务员（女）

月薪1500元

包吃　包住

有服务经验1600元

Wanted

Waitstaff (Female)

Monthly Salary 1500RMB

Includes room and board

1600RMB if you have experience ]

FERRET

Well, at least she gets free room and board.

WEASEL

Yeah, that’s true. Hmm… and that extra 100RMB for experience.

FERRET

Yeah.

WEASEL

She’s looking at us now.

FERRET

Yeah, a deer in the headlights.

[FERRET imagines they’ve been having this conversation:]

THE GIRL

那个老外在盯我啊！

Those foreigners are looking at me.

WAITRESS

他们在找女朋友，而且觉得你好性感哦！

They’re looking for girlfriends, and they think you’re damn sexy.

THE GIRL

他们工资多少？

How much money do they make?

WAITRESS

他们是年青的，所以只是一百万。

They’re young, so only a million.

THE GIRL

没有。他们有那么多钱的话，为什么去旁边吃饭？

No way. If they had that much money, why are they going next door to eat?

WAITRESS

旁边餐厅很有名。

The restaurant next door is famous.

THE GIRL

没有这么有名。

Not that famous.

WAITRESS

哈哈，他们在看着招聘。

Haha, they’re looking at the job listing.

[THE WAITRESS notices that THE GIRL isn’t listening.]

干吗？

What are you doing?

THE GIRL

他们很有钱，可是他们的脸有寂寞的样子。

They have lots of money, but they’ve got this lonely look on their faces.

[THE GIRL looks at them, fascinated as FERRET and WEASEL discuss the sign, unsure of what to make of them. Suddenly, they are looking at her looking at them. Her co-worker urges her on.]

WAITRESS

交男朋友吧！

Get yourself a boyfriend!

[THE GIRL is confused and doesn’t know what to do. A deer in the headlights.]

[Ferret and Bald Eagle are sitting and enjoying a leisurely dinner, going over the usual topics, when Bald Eagle decides to introduce his sweet new duds.]

Bald Eagle

So, check out this sweet new t-shirt I got!

[Bald Eagle proudly displays his t-shirt with the words: 我人品很差]

Ferret

Umm…

Bald Eagle

You know what it means, right?

Ferret

I mean. Yeah. It means you are a bad person, right?

Bald Eagle

Yeah, basically it says I am a total shit!

Ferret

Like you are lacking moral fiber completely. Like you have none of the qualities necessary to be considered a human being.

Bald Eagle

Yeah. Isn’t it awesome?

Ferret

I don’t know. Aren’t Chinese people going to think that you don’t know what it means?

Bald Eagle

Yeah, but I think that’s part of why it’s cool. I mean, I get Chinese people coming up to me and asking me if I know what it means, and then I tell them!

Ferret

Are you trying to make any kind of claim about the way Chinese people see Westerners or vice-a-versa? A clash of cultures kind of thing?

Bald Eagle

It could be. I don’t know. I guess it could also have to do with how people think that all the money coming into China, especially in places like Shanghai, is destroying their morals. But really, I just think it’s cool. I suppose all of that could be part of the reason, subconsciously, culturally why I think it’s cool.

Ferret

It’s something that I often love, but find terribly confusing about the arts.

Bald Eagle

What’s that?

Ferret

How all of these connections are to be grasped intuitively. I suppose that’s the point of good contemporary art. You don’t need an explanation, just being alive in the environment should be enough. You get excited. You get provoked. You may not know why, but the reasons are right there.

Bald Eagle

Although lately that hasn’t been the case in the art world.

Ferret

Or has it?

Bald Eagle

Stop it. I’m not in the mood. I still think it’s cool.

Ferret

It’s cool to tell all the Chinese people that you are a total shit?

Bald Eagle

Yeah.

Ferret

Okay. Point taken.

[After dinner, Ferret and Bald Eagle walk out of the restaurant. A group of young Chinese guys start hooting and hollaring, they ask Bald Eagle if he knows what his shirt means. Bald Eagle says yes, and then grins fiendishly at Ferret.]

[Ferret has dinner with The Fongs, Super-Hero, and Pigeon. The dinner is winding down, and there is a lull in the conversation.]

Ferret

So, I have an important question.

The Fongs

Okay.

Ferret

Do you think Superman will still be a superhero if…

The Fongs

If what?

Ferret

If he was retarded?

The Fongs

Yeah, sure.

Super–Hero

You mean, like really retarded? Or what?

Ferret

I mean, with all due respect, that sometimes he poops his pants.

The Fongs

But he still has all the same powers?

Ferret

Sure, except he can’t tie his shoes very well, and he has a strange affinity for soft things, you know… mentally deficient.

Pigeon

This is wrong.

Super-Hero

I don’t think he’d be a superhero.

The Fongs

Why not?

Super-Hero

I mean, can he still save people?

Ferret

Sure, but people have to tell him so that he can save them.

Super-Hero

If he needs people to tell him, then he’s not a superhero.

Ferret

But he doesn’t always need people to tell him. He’s trained – like a dog or something.

Super-Hero

I don’t know.

Ferret

I think he’d still be super, but all the other superheroes would make fun of him. It would make Superman a lot more interesting, other than that whole kryptonite thing. Superman saves the world from an asteroid, and learns to spell his name in the same story! Eh? Anyone with me?

[Ferret sits down with his old companion, Self-Loathing.]

Ferret

So. It looks like it’s just you and me.

Self-Loathing

Yeah.

Ferret

Do you want something to drink?

Self-Loathing

No, and I’m sure you don’t either.

Ferret

Yeah. I don’t feel like I want to do anything when you are around. Especially write. Everything I write becomes some thinly veiled slight against myself.

Self-Loathing

Yeah, I have that effect on people.

Ferret

Well, that’s awesome. I guess it’s good to know that you make a difference.

Self-Loathing

Believe it or not, I too go home at night and feel worthless. I mean, I’m great at my job, but my job consists in making people feel bad about themselves.

Ferret

Yeah. I can see that. I mean, if you are an exceptional garbage man, you still are going to be knee deep in peoples rotting banana peels and used condoms for the rest of your life.

Self-Loathing

Yeah.

Ferret

So what could you have done? I mean, if you weren’t so busy making people hate themselves.

Self-Loathing

I probably would have gone into the marketing.

Ferret

I could see that. Of course, I wouldn’t feel bad about going into marketing. Most people I know who go into that really don’t feel like they are contributing much either.

Self-Loathing

Yeah, that’s probably my influence. But you see, I would totally work to promote the efforts of good companies or individuals.

Ferret

Face it. There’s no way you could do that even if you tried.

Self-Loathing

You bastard.

Ferret

Fight fire with fire. You know? You’re the one who’s prevented me from feeling good about my writing for so long.

Self-Loathing

So?

Ferret

Listen. I’ve got a question for you.

Self-Loathing

Shoot.

Ferret

If you loathe self-loathing, does that mean you’re able to eradicate it?

Self-Loathing

No. In my expert opinion, it just makes me able to stay longer. A feedback loop. If I find you are raving at yourself in the mirror at 2 in the AM about how you wish you could feel better about yourself, that means I’m doing my job. When you wake up the next day, I’m going to be there.

Ferret

Mmph. Well, how about this: What if I were able to project you onto something somehow, like extricate myself from the way I feel so I could see the reality of my situation. That way I could sort of compartmentalize it and analyze all the stuff you say to me.

Self-Loathing

And how would you do that? By personifying me or something? Hmm… I guess. Whoa. Shit.

Ferret

Got you now, bastard. You’ve been keeping me me from writing a post for almost a month, but I got you.

Self-Loathing

Yeah, but will anyone actually read this? I mean, if you post this and nobody reads it, isn’t that basically the same as you not writing it at all? Besides, nobody likes reading something that is such a downer, anyway. Even though I convinced you that the one about the marketing meeting for www.skeletalduckorgy.com was bullshit, or the oh-so populist rant about income inequality between the Western guy on his laptop and the construction workers all huddled together in a tent. What readers you do have for your meager project in cyberspace will most likely be turned off after reading this.

Ferret

God, I hate you.

I – THE REAL (well, kind of)

[It’s 7 o’clock on a Friday; Ferret and Jack Daniels are trying to get a table at Shanghai’s most popular Mexican restaurant, a spectacular hit of burritos, beans and salsa, maker of the most muchos nachos this side of the Pu River, but all for nothing! The owner, Agavecado has some bad news:]

Agavecado

I’m sorry gentleman, but all the tables are reserved.

Jack Daniels

How long is the wait?

Agavecado

Well, I guess around 9 o’clock. Unless you guys want to eat at the bar.

Ferret

You guys are that popular now, eh? Holy mole!

[There is silence as this most terrible of puns works its way into the pores of the poor listeners. (Sorry.) A girl nearby sniggers slightly on a taco. Ferret tries to extricate himself from the situation:]

Ferret

You know, like mole. Like tacos.

Jack Daniels

Sheesh. [to the owner] I’m not sure about the bar thing, but don’t be sorry, man. You must be happy as hell! You’re business is taking off!

Agavecado

Well, thanks, but to tell you the truth, I don’t like the whole reservation thing; it wasn’t my idea.

Ferret

No matter. Next time we’re here, we’ll just have to get a reservation.

Jack Daniels

You should seriously just buy out the coffee shop next door, or something.

Agavecado

Well, I’ll tell you what. I’ve definitely wish I’d arranged something with the Italian restaurant next door. They never use that downstairs at all. I guess it’s supposed to be a bar for people waiting to eat, but they never use it.

Jack Daniels

Not doing so well, eh?

Agavecado

I guess not. It’s funny we used to be such good friends during the construction of the place. They were building their spot at the same time. Now I just see them from time to time standing outside, glaring at the restaurant.

Ferret

Wow. Even out in the cold and everything.

Agavecado

Yeah. So the bar then?

Jack Daniels

I think we’d prefer to sit, so we’ll go somewhere else.

Ferret

Yeah man. Next time!

Agavecado

Sorry again. You fellas have a good night.

II – THE ABSOLUTELY IMAGINARY

[Sweets and Lifey, owners of the Italian restaurant next to Agavecado‘s sit outside, staring at the busy Mexican restaurant. It’s cold, like cryogenically freezing your privates cold. They don’t seem to mind. They have a bitter look on their faces as they take turns passing and swigging for a bottle of wine.]

Sweets

This wine is terrible.

Lifey

It’s not wine.

Sweets

Well, what the hell else do you drink from a wine bottle?

Lifey

Well, it used to be wine.

Sweets

What do you mean?

Lifey

I couldn’t afford to buy any new wine.

Sweets

So?

Lifey

So the only wine we have left is the stuff I use to make the vinegar.

Sweets

[contemplates the bottle as he takes a swig]

Man, I must really be drunk.

Lifey

Yeah.

Sweets

Burritos.

Lifey

Who knew.

Sweets

I never thought of that kind of stuff as food, just a bad case of gas.

Lifey

Or indigestion.

Sweets

That taco tucking turd. He’s doing so well…

Lifey

Bean bashing bastard.

Sweets

Nacho nibbling nigger.

Lifey

Tequilla toting twat.

Sweet

I like that one.

Lifey

Yeah. We should add it to the list.

[Lifey pulls out a small notebook from his oh-so-Italian, close-cut sports coat, and adds the name to the list. Sweets looks over his shoulder in delight as he writes it. They notice that Agavecado is looking at them from the door of his restaurant. They smile and wave. Agavecado awkwardly returns it, unsure how to handle the maliciousnes behind their smiles. He walks away from the door.]

Sweets

Mole making motherfucker. Lifey give me the wine.

Lifey

You sure you still want it? I mean, it’s basically vinegar.

Sweets

Fine. Whatever. This bastard’s got me drinking vinegar.

I

The Fongs

So check it man. What would happen if, in the Matrix, Neo took the blue pill and the red pill. Like, he didn’t choose. He just snatched both pills out of Morpheus’s hand and just ODed.

Ferret

Isn’t that kind’ve what he does anyway? He leaves the matrix, but retrains some kind of connection to it. Yet, qualitatively there would have to be some difference. I mean, he chooses the red pill, and all the same stuff happens. He’s sort of in the matrix yet not. Built into it if you will.

The Fongs

What if his head just explodes?

Ferret

Like blows up from the sheer technological computer magic?

The Fongs

Yeah. Technological computer magic.

Ferret

Sounds like he’s just stuck on a film set.

II

[Neo sits with Morpheus, decked out in his wrap around sunglasses and a designer trenchcoat. They concludes their vague dialogue of overtures to dreaming and fate, and Morpheus holds out the fateful blue pill and red pill, intoning:]

Morpheus

You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes. Remember — all I am offering is the truth, nothing more.

[Neo thinks for a moment, quickly graps both pills at the same time and downs them both.]

Neo

[gulping]

Whoa.

Morpheus

What the fuck?

Neo

What?

Morpheus

You’re supposed to choose one or the other. This was a mutually exclusive proposition.

Neo

You didn’t make it clear that I couldn’t have it both ways.

Morpheus

You didn’t think my rabbit hole versus dream thing was good enough? Where didn’t you get that you had to pick one or the other? You’ve totally fucked the scene.

Neo

Scene?

[Morpheus gets up and starts to walk away. Neo suddenly realizes that he’s a on a film set, staring at a camera. A man next to the camera, Andy Wachowski (AW), gets up and starts berating him, another man, Larry Wachowski (LW) sits back, keeps motioning like he wants to get a word in edgewise.]

AW

What the fuck are you doing Keanu?

Neo

What? Are you talking to me?

AW

Listen. We didn’t hire you because you are a brilliant method actor, okay? Your body type just worked with the green screens! Why the hell are you fucking up the scene?

LW

If it helps, just pretend you’re doing your role from Speed!

AW

Shut up, Larry!

Neo

What’s happening to me?

AW

Jesus Christ! Were you smoking dope before the take again?

LW

Let’s smoke when we’ve wrapped it!

AW

Don’t listen to him. You need to focus, okay!

Morpheus

Keanu, you’ve got this man. Just remember to choose the red pill next time. Andy. Larry. I’m gonna take a break, okay?

AW

That’s fine Lawrence. Take a break. You too Keanu. Go get some air. This method acting shit isn’t you, man. Just stick to what you know. Think Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

LW

Or Speed!

AW

Yeah. Or Speed.

Neo

Okay. Okay.

[Neo pretends to understand what is happening to him, but he’s really lost. He has no idea how he suddenly became somebody named Keanu. As he walks out Morpheus chats him up a little bit. He’s different now. He’s become some guy named Lawrence.]

Morpheus

Stay professional okay, man? No need to rewrite anything. Don’t go overboard on the method stuff man. Take that shit to your acting class, alright? Andy and Larry have got a sweet script, don’t they?

Neo

Yeah. It’s sweet.

Morpheus

I can’t wait until we film the fight scene. Are you as sore from all the kung fu training as I am?

Neo

Um. Yeah, I’m sore.

[They walk outside of the soundstage door into the LA sun. Morpheus says goodbye, walking off with a scantily clad blond, and Neo looks around the studio, bewildered.]

III

[Neo wanders around the backlots of a studio. A Bikinied Girl getting chatted up by some Random Douche winks at Neo.]

Bikinied Girl

Hey babe! Haven’t seen you in a while!

Neo

Yeah. Right. Um. Hello.

Random Douche

Keep walking buddy. You’ve already stuck this one.

Bikinied Girl

[half-perturbed]

Hey!

Neo

What? I did?

Bikinied Girl

Wait you don’t even remember how you we met at yoga class? How your the sight of you in the lotus position got me so wet? And it wasn’t because it was over 110 degrees in the room!

Neo

Yoga? I like computers.

Random Douche

Listen, dick. Fuck off! You may think because you were in some movies that you can just stick any girl you want and then pretend to forget them. I’m the one sticking it to this bimbo now.

Neo

Um. Okay.

[Still utterly confused, and now threatened, Neo wanders away as the Bikinied Girl smooches the Random Douche:]

Bikinied Girl

That was amazing. You really love me.

Random Douche

That’s right. I love your body, baby.

Bikinied Girl

Close enough.

[As Neo continues to wander, he starts soliloquizing.]

Neo

[as strained as possible, like somebody force fed him the lines]

What’s going on with me? What’s happening? This is so strange. I feel like taking both the red pill and the blue pill has resulted in a strange melding of states. Perhaps Shakespeare had point when he said that “All the world’s a stage,” precursor to the existential revelation of selflessness, or anti-ego, that it was, that the self is just a set of chosen roles. The only thing is that these rolls aren’t chosen for me. I’ve woken up to the reality that I am just a bundle of different me’s, but I have no control now over who they are. I took both pills. I still am part of a continual set of illusions, masks, roles.  Yet despite the continual change, there’s still a part of me that lasts through all of this.  This thing that allows me to say, that I’m still Neo, and I haven’t necessarily chosen these roles, they’ve chosen me. Whoa!

[Neo looks up to see that he’s yet again on a camera with Ferret and The Fongs standing behind it, arms folded intently.]

Neo

Who the fuck are you?

Ferret

That was a great Neo. Hold on a second. So Fongs, do you see what it would be like to be truly stuck in a world of reality and illusion at the same time? Occupying the role of the fantasy world and the world of reality at the same time? I mean, don’t you think it would really be just like Zizek says in A Pervert’s Guide to Cinema, film artistry at its purest, the fantasy projected onto reality, which is in some sense reality.

The Fongs

So like you being somehow able to direct a new version of The Matrix?

Ferret

Yeah.

The Fongs

I don’t get it.

Neo

Neither do I.

Ferret

God dammit.

[The BOSS and his UNDERLING sit in their office.]

BOSS

Are you on MSN?

UNDERLING

Absolutely not.

[The UNDERLING is on MSN. She receives yet another “Happy 牛 Year!” pun from yet another one of her foreign friends.]

UNDERLING

Oh, dammit.

BOSS

What is it?

UNDERLING

Umm. My computer had a problem.

BOSS

You aren’t on MSN, are you?

UNDERLING

Absolutely not.

BOSS

So when is the giant ox going to arrive out front?

UNDERLING

[typing away vigorously]

What?

BOSS

The giant ox. You know, out front.

UNDERLING

Oh yeah. That’s not going to be here for another two days.

BOSS

Why the delay?

UNDERLING

Well, it seems that we got our order in too late. They were out of gold oxen.

BOSS

I don’t believe it.

UNDERLING

Well, they did have one that looked like it was taking a deuce. It was a special order for a fertilizer company in Qingdao, but they cancelled it. I thought you didn’t want that out front.

BOSS

Good thinking. Okay. But why so long? I mean, can’t they just whip one up overnight? They have a mold or whatever, right?

UNDERLING

You’d think, right? But it turns out that the owner of the bull shop had a fight with his wife.

BOSS

What does that have to do with anything?

UNDERLING

Well, he was having an affair with this girl who wears a lot of purple.

BOSS

Why purple?

UNDERLING

I have no idea. Ask her!

BOSS

Okay, then what?

UNDERLING

His wife dumped purple paint all over the one that was supposed to arrive today. So they tried to repaint it, but the paint kept peeling back to purple. So are going to have to strip the paint and start over again.

BOSS

Couldn’t we buy an old one? One from 12 years ago?

UNDERLING

I called around, but the only one I could find was in front of a slaugherhouse. It would take at least 3 more days to fumagate it.

BOSS

[sighs]

Okay.

[The UNDERLING begins to type away. She laughs.]

BOSS

What’s so funny?

UNDERLING

Umm. Nothing. Oh the year of the ox! Haha!

BOSS

You are on MSN, aren’t you?

UNDERLING

Absolutely not.

[FERRET attempts to buy some bread at Ichido, the Japanese bread/cake shop extraordinaire. As he seeks to pay for his prepackaged half-loaf of bread, the CASHIER begins to put the bread in a paper bag.]

FERRET

我不要袋子。

I don’t want a bag.

CASHIER

好的。

Okay.

[The CASHIER begins to put the bag away, but her ASSOCIATE stops her. Speaks to FERRET.]

ASSOCIATE

你需要用袋子。

You need to use a bag.

FERRET

为什么？

Why?

ASSOCIATE

如果你没有袋子，你看起来可疑的。他们会觉得你偷了面包。

If you don’t have a bag, you look suspicious. They will think that you stole the bread.

FERRET

[叹气] 好的。

[sighs] Okay.

[FERRET pays, takes the bag, and walks away. As he walks, he inspects the bag, and finds himself a little perturbed by the irony of the situation:]

“偶” 不污染地球！

“Ow” Don’t pollute the environment!